http://www.espn.com/espn/page2/story?page=gallo/040802
The All-Weed Team
By DJ Gallo
OFFENSE
Running back: Ricky Williams
The All-Weed Team starts with Williams. With three failures of league drug tests on his record, the former All-Pro even admitted to the Miami Herald last week that his desire to continue smoking pot contributed to his decision to retire. That's some serious dedication to weed.
And considering that long-term marijuana might lead to motivational problems, impaired judgment and loss of ambition, it's no wonder Williams thought it wise to give up the millions of dollars remaining on his contract for a life of joblessness and bong hits. He'll get the bulk of the carries on the All-Weed Team.
Running back: Jamal Lewis, Baltimore Ravens.
Lewis was suspended in 2001 for violation of the league's substance abuse policy. (The details of Lewis's two positive tests weren't released by the league, so we can't be absolutely certain about his substance of choice.) But that -- and his current federal indictment in relation to a drug ring -- are enough to put Lewis in our backfield with Williams. It's a backfield that any coach would want to have between the hashish ... er, hashes.
Wide receiver: Randy Moss, Minnesota Vikings.
Moss tested positive for marijuana at Florida State and was kicked off the team before he enrolled at Marshall. He was also charged with possessing a small amount of marijuana in 2002 in relation to a traffic accident, but the charge was dropped after he pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of careless driving and a petty misdemeanor charge of obstructing justice. Like the old saying goes: "A rolling Moss always gets stoned." Or something like that.
Wide receiver: Muhsin Muhammad, Carolina Panthers.
Muhammad pleaded guilty in 2002 to misdemeanor charges of possession of marijuana and carrying a concealed weapon. He also served jail time in 1993 while at Michigan State for violating a probation he was given for possession of marijuana. Muhammad gets the starting nod over other candidates because of his multiple transgressions -- a dedication to ganja that is not taken lightly on this team.
Quarterback: Todd Marinovich, formerly of the Raiders.
Marinovich has a long track record with marijuana, including a conviction for cultivation of the plant in 1998. That history earned him a well-deserved nickname: Todd Marijuanavich. The All-Weed Team provides him with his last, best chance to achieve the football stardom he was seemingly destined for since early childhood. Even the world's biggest pothead wouldn't blow an opportunity like this.
Probably. His backup? Virginia Tech sophomore Marcus Vick, who threw for 475 yards and two touchdowns as a freshman last season but is currently suspended indefinitely in the wake of charges of marijuana possession and reckless driving.
Tight end: O.J. Santiago, Denver Broncos.
Santiago was charged with misdemeanor marijuana possession in 2001 as a member of the Cleveland Browns. His hold on the All-Weed Team's starting tight end spot will be tightened if he agrees to change his initials to M.J.
Center: Mark Stepnoski.
Stepnoski has served as president of the Texas chapter of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws since his retirement from the game. His presence is needed both on the field and in the locker room so All-Weed Team members can learn how he managed to avoid a single positive drug test during his 13-year career.
Offensive line: Nate Newton, formerly of the Dallas Cowboys and Carolina Panthers.
Despite being 42-years old and out of the game for four years, Newton receives an All-Weed Team spot. In fact, we'll name him a co-captain, along with Ricky Williams, since he was once busted driving around with 213 pounds of marijuana in his van. That's right -- pounds, not ounces. While his No. 1 job on the All-Weed Team will be clearing holes for Williams and Lewis, a close second will be supplying his teammates with some of his primo product.
Offensive line: Khiawatha Downey, San Francisco 49ers.
Downey twice tested positive for marijuana while in college.
Offensive line: Marvel Smith, Pittsburgh Steelers.
Smith was arrested and charged with marijuana possession in 2002. He also tested positive for marijuana while at Arizona State. And you thought the Pittsburgh drug culture died with the Pirates of the late '70s and early '80s.
Offensive line: Tra Thomas, Philadelphia Eagles.
Thomas tested positive for marijuana before the 1998 NFL Draft. He claimed it was from second-hand smoke, something he should be breathing a lot of in the All-Weed Team's locker room.
DEFENSE
Defensive line: Warren Sapp, Oakland Raiders.
Sapp admitted to a positive test for marijuana while at the University of Miami. He provides the All-Weed Team with bulk in the middle of the defensive line.
Defensive line: Keith Hamilton.
Hamilton was charged with possession of less than 50 grams of marijuana -- among other drug-related charges -- during a 2003 traffic stop. He'll easily be lured out of his short retirement once he is made aware that there plenty of food available at our postgame spread.
Defensive line: Anthony Maddox, Jacksonville Jaguars.
Originally a Florida State recruit, Maddox was arrested in 1999 for possession of marijuana. He gets named to the All-Weed Team not only for his potential on the defensive line, but also for the valuable connections he has to Florida's fertile, hash-friendly college programs.
Defensive line: Cletidus Hunt, Green Bay Packers.
Hunt tested positive for marijuana at the 1999 NFL scouting combine and twice more after joining the Packers, resulting in a four-game suspension without pay in 2001. His current contract mandates that he must return a portion of his signing bonus if he is suspended again. His All-Weed Team contract mandates no such thing.
Linebacker: Ahmad Brooks, University of Virginia.
The selection of Brooks is based solely on potential -- both on the field and on the pipe. He pled no contest to marijuana possession in the summer of 2003.
Linebacker: Darren Hambrick, free agent.
Hambrick was charged with fleeing a law enforcement officer and resisting an officer in 2001, after the arresting deputy smelled marijuana wafting from his vehicle during a traffic stop. Hambrick is reunited on the All-Weed Team with former Dallas teammates Stepnoski and Newton, a different kind of "Big Three" to go with the Cowboys' Aikman-Emmitt-Irvin troika in the 1990s.
Linebacker: Cornell Brown, Baltimore Ravens.
Brown was arrested for marijuana possession in 2001, but the charge was dropped before trial. Despite the dismissal, no crime-related squad such as the All-Weed Team can go wrong by adding an extra Baltimore Ravens player or two.
Defensive back: Chris McAlister, Baltimore Ravens.
McAlister was charged with possession of marijuana after police found the drug while investigating a burglary at his house. McAlister is currently a holdout with the Ravens, meaning he and Brown will have to smoke apart until an agreement is reached.
Defensive back: Rashard Anderson, Carolina Panthers.
Anderson has been suspended the last two seasons for violating the league's substance abuse policy. He could be reinstated before the start of the season, but he'll always have an active roster spot on the All-Weed Team.
Defensive back: Rodney Artmore, formerly of the Packers.
Artmore was charged with possession of marijuana in 2000 and hasn't played in the NFL since. He makes a triumphant return to football now, though, on the All-Weed Team.
Defensive back: Juran Bolden, Jacksonville Jaguars.
Bolden was charged in 2003 with marijuana possession and driving a stolen car, which Jacksonville apparently thought was worth a five-year, $13.4 million contract this offseason. The All-Weed Team would definitely match or exceed that offer for his services. Plus, we'd throw in some rolling papers.
So there you have it: a team of cannabis aficionados that can hang with anybody in the NFL.
