https://www.silverandblackpride.com/2018/9/7/17821990/raiderdamus-friday-foretelling-raiders-vs-rams
Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Rams
By Tyler J. Smith
We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor
Looks like a new season has started! You fired your coach? Well that’s okay, he wasn’t very good. Wait, you hired the loudmouth from Monday Night Football? Oh boy. I bet that’s a circus. You traded who now? And you’re playing who on Monday Night Football to open the year?
That all sounds dismal. But let’s talk about the
Rams for a minute. The team is owned by Stan Kroenke, who looks like Jeff Fisher had sex with Ted Turner.
Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
Kroenke manages to be the most unlikable owner in the NFL, which is remarkable, as that’s a list that includes Jed York, Jerry Jones, Dean Spanos, Jeffrey Lurie, Robert Kraft, and Jim Irsay.
Mr. Kroenke came into his vast fortune by being a slum lord and marrying the heiress to the Wal-Mart fortune that looked the most like Nancy Grace.
The Rams left Los Angeles the first time in 1994, and nobody noticed. They won a
Super Bowl in St. Louis, and nobody watched because they were playing the
Titans, a team most NFL fans couldn’t identify in a police lineup. Then they returned to Los Angeles a few years ago, to the delight of no one whatsoever.
The Rams are, if you think about it, the perfect American success story. They came from the Midwest to the bright lights of Los Angeles and managed to pursue their lifelong dream of being the first extra killed in the NFL Playoffs. They got to their position by going down repeatedly in ways they regretted the next day.
To say that the Rams are an afterthought in Los Angeles would be a mild understatement. Here are the most popular teams in LA:
Lakers
Dodgers
Raiders
USC
LA Galaxy
Angels
Kings
Ducks
UCLA
Clippers
49ers
Cowboys
LAFC
Warriors
Rams
Serra High
Mater Dei
Chargers
But Kroenke, who is so fabulously rich that he wipes his own ass with the Dead Sea Scrolls, also owns the Colorado Avalanche and Arsenal FC. He is used to owning the least popular professional team in its own city.
The fortune brought to the NFL by Kroenke, who bought the Rams many years ago from strung-out rodeo clown Georgia Frontiere, was the impetus for placing the Rams in Los Angeles to begin with, as they are building their own stadium with Sam Walton’s money. If Walton were alive today to know he was financing a team as shitty as the Rams, he’d be so angry he’d probably whip a few more underage Chinese sweatshop workers, and all those Faded Glory labels would be stained.
But to make the deal work, the Rams had to share their new palatial estates with a team even less popular than they, which was a tall order considering the negative four people who give two shits about the Rams. The Raiders, being arguably the second most popular team in the world, were right out. But luckily, someone else was more than happy to fill the void.
Getty Images
In order to draw eyes to their product and distract potential viewers from their normal day-to-day schedule of tax evasion, recreational drug use and senseless gang violence, the Rams went on a massive spending spree this free agency period. They brought in three megastars on defense-
Ndamukong Suh,
Aqib Talib and Marcus Peters. Because we all know that discipline, fair play and abiding by the rules of football were all things that held the Rams back last year. Will the Rams have more personal fouls than first downs this year?
The last time someone paid that much money for that much trouble, Khloe Kardashian had to come wake his dumb ass up from a three day coma.
Photo by Neilson Barnard/Getty Images
But this year, Los Angeles has brought in one real winner, one man who has tasted championship gold, a man who knows how to win when the rest of his team isn’t up to par. Los Angeles is now home to one of the greatest of all time.
Photo by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
The Rams team is led by former Gruden disciple Sean McVay, seen here with girlfriend Veronka Khomen:
Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images
I tried to find an unflattering picture of McVay, I really did. They don’t exist. The man is a Greek god, with the jawline of Horatio Hornblower and the physique of Lex Luger. Even in high school, he looked like the platonic Prom King. His issue is that no matter how much facial hair he grows, he still looks like he gets a lollipop every time he goes to the bank and he has to sit on a phonebook when the barber cuts his hair. And he still gets that godawful
Andy Dalton haircut.
The Raiders may have just traded the best edge rusher in the NFL, but the Rams have avoided that problem by not employing any edge rushers at all. That is good news for the Raiders’ tackles, who are 1) a rookie and 2) a veteran who has forgotten how to turn right. Jon Gruden will have to call for a pit stop so
Donald Penn will stop turning left.
The Rams are one of the most talented teams in the NFL, with a star-studded roster and a fantastic, cost controlled quarterback. Soon they’ll have a brand new stadium where all 237 Rams fans can watch them from the height of luxury. It will be in Inglewood, which is notoriously up to no good, and I am certain it will go up in flames the first time the Rams go 4-12, which will likely be as soon as they have to pay
Jared Goff his six-year, $250 million contract in 2021. Because if they don’t, the fucking
Bears will.
Rams win, 45-29.
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Got it wrong,Bud
We upset them with good D and smash-mouth
Raiders 23 – Rams 21
DRC seals win w/late int
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Raiders D even without 52 can surprise some folks this season if the DL additions in Gunthers scheme workout well. That combined with improved coverage downfield can be a surprise 1-2 for teams not used to taking Raiders D seriously.
Combine that with the rust from a lack of preseason play against real opponents, a team full of players that already got paid, team thats being hyped as a best contender for the SB and you’ve got a good opportunity for a low scoring upset.
Pound that rock and put Goff on his back. He must go down often and hard.
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31 -24 Raiders
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45-29 sounds about right, and again great work on these predictions
All I ask is that we keep it respectable until the 2nd half
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If last night showed us anything it is that vets need some preseason reps.
I don’t see either offense lighting it up. One advantage the Raiders have is no one knows what tricks Gruden has up his sleeves.
We all know the Rams Offense. Gruden probably knows the Rams offense like it was his own.
It is the student against the master.
Get your popcorn ready.
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I still believe the whole first team offense needed more work during the preseason games. This could look like another preseason game.
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I’m feeling the Raiders have a much better chance at a low scoring game than they do a high scoring game. If both QB’s play like ass and it becomes a slugfest I like Marshawn and the maulers in the middle of the OL to wear them down. Suh got pushed around last year and for as great a player as AD is he’s still on the lighter side far as DL’s go.
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29 points on the Rams?
Wow, generous.
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That score would be a huge improvement over the 2014 game
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Rams 38-16
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27-13 Raiders.
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I am not confident that we will win this game. But if our D spots them 45, then we are in for a long season.
I expect our D to be much improved overall, even without Mack. I say more like 21-10, Rams.
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Raiders win in close competition finding a way to pull it out in the end.
Gruden plays keep away with the football limiting the Lambs opportunities to score while eating the clock with power run after power run. Then going deep off PA.
Our D is aggressive keeping the Lambs on their heels back hoofs!
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Don't forget our secret weapon..... the infield dirt.. Raiders 21 Lambs 19
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I think it'll be closer than the "experts" are predicting. All I keep reading is how bad our defense was last year with Mack.
And now that we lost him we’ll be even worse, even though we’ve improved at almost every position. Genius analysis. I think we can rattle Goff. He just lost his OC and QB coach. He has a young OL coach calling run plays and a young TE coach calling pass plays.
Rams 24-Raiders 21
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Yeah, everyone keeps talking about how great their offense is but I just don't see it.
I think they will take a while to gel considering none of their offensive starters played one snap in the preseason. I don’t even think they had any joint practices. They’ll be rusty.
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Also, it’s really Goff’s sophomore year and with Super Bowl predictions comes great pressure (as our 6-10 team found out last year). He may be easier to rattle than we think.
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P.J. Hall is going to have a great game.
Rams Right guard is under 300 pounds and has only played in two games in his third year on his second team.
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Osemele, Hudson, & Jackson
Will dominate Donald and Suh.
Raiders 28 Los Angeles 24
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This is probably the worst score prediction I have ever seen in this series. There is no way a combined 74 points will be scored in this game.
Here is my thought process:
- Neither of these teams played more than a few series in preseason. Just the rust alone will likely result in lower scores.
- Gruden’s goal will be to keep his defense off the field as much as possible. Expect Beastmode and Muscle Hampster (best duo of running back nicknames in the league) to have a ton of carries.
- The Rams defense is too good to allow 29 points and… our defense is not that bad. 45 points is a tall order for the first game of the year.
My prediction is Rams 28 and Raiders 10
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Raiders use the Falcons formula of keeping Gurley THE PASS CATCHER in check.
Tackling. Also we finally for the 1st time in 3 years figure put how to play PREVENT vs BRANDIN COOKS. We also use the 2016 formula of winning the turnover battle w/ 2 early setting us up for a halftime lead & Carr & Gruden call an efficient, time-consuming gsme plan & hold on for a 23-20 victory. Raiders win 23-20 F.
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We aren’t losing. Yes, the Rams look like God Almighty on paper, but they do have a significant weakness no one is talking about. They were 28th in rush defense last year, giving up 122 YPG and 4.7YPC. Even with Suh, I’m not concerned. It’s not like Suh did anything for the middling Fins, either. Talib nor Peters want any of our smashmouth action, to boot.
Gruden has adamantly preached about the run and I boldly predict we’ll be a top 3 rush outfit at season’s end. With all that said, we are going to run the fuck out of them. This will hopefully keep their nuclear offense off the field and our defense rested. Gruden also has a few tricks up his sleeve for one of his youngest proteges, believe that. This will not be a walk in the park by any means, but I feel we’re going to survive this slugfest, and set the tone for a good season.
Raiders 27, Lambs 24
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Better have 6 down O-linemen
Miller and Penn are going to struggle for a while. October will be here before we know if they can handle their assignments on the edges. Until then, the Raiders better have a lot of help in blocking on the outside, because KO, Hudson and Jackson won’t be able to help out with Suh and Donald in front of them.
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What's the over/under on Talib getting thrown out of the game?
If the refs were not biased against the Raiders that is…I’m thinking helmet rule and/or taunting.
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How good is Gruden's psychology?
I would run sweeps and bubble screens right at Talib continuously to draw an irate response and a flag or two. Considering Chucky coached him for 2 years, he should know what makes him tick, and what ticks him off. Let’s hope. That would be beautiful to see.
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31-27 Raiders
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Raiders: 24
Ram-a-lama-ding-dongs: 17
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Then only way the Raiders can win this
is if they score more than 20 points and points will be very hard to come by against this defense. Amari usually gets shut down by the all-pro CBs he faces every 3rd or 4th game. Hopefully, Gruden will get him in the slot a lot in this game, because Cooper is the whole key to this game for the Raiders.
He needs to surpass 150 yds receiving with at least 1 TD. If he does that it will open up the offense for our TE and the running/screen game and that could allow the Raiders to surpass 20 points and Carr to throw for at least 2 TDs.
Raiders 23 Rams 20