LEGEND Make Us Laugh

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~lyser

~lyser

Rookie
Joined
Jan 27, 2016
Messages
235
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my dad did. not like my mom - screaming in terror in the passenger seat.
 
~lyser

~lyser

Rookie
Joined
Jan 27, 2016
Messages
235
On the way here I passed a teenage nitwit texting while driving. So I slowed down and when she passed I threw my beer at her
 
~lyser

~lyser

Rookie
Joined
Jan 27, 2016
Messages
235
Things I like to say when I am performing mentalism:

I can read your mind, but its kinda pointless cause I'm illiterate.

You know, you can't please all the people all the time...and last night all those people were at my show.

When I come up here on stage it's like I'm leading you into battle...you are not all going to be here at the end.

This is my penultimate effect. I love that word – its my second favorite.

I’m celibate – I don’t fuck around.

I was nervous about this next demonstration – so I prepared a few lines in advance...and now that they have kicked in I feel much better.

They say a performer is only as good as his audience, so if I suck it’s your fault.

My parole officer loves this one.

I learned this one back in rehab.

Hecklers

I remember my first beer.

I’m paid to stand up here acting like an asshole, you're down there doing it for free.

You know, I think you’ve got nothing there.

Remember the good old days, when alcoholics were anonymous?

Look pal, this is my job, I don’t come to your work and knock the spatula out of your hand.

Good to be out of prison, eh?

I don't have alot of time for this so let's get it over with quickly - you're ugly, you're dick is small and everybody fucks your mother

For the ladies:

You work your side of the street and I'll work mine

You're working early

Lady be quite, how would you like it if i stepped into your bedroom and spoiled your performance (Just kidding, I don't like waiting in line.)

Look lady this is my job. I don't come to your work and knock the dick out of your mouth..

Hey, I saw your movie...I would have watched the whole thing, but I ran out of quarters.

How many peeping Toms have you cured?


For the kids:

That is why u shouldn’t do drugs, kids.

Bet your parents wish birth control was retrospective

What do you want to be IF you grow up?

If your parents got a divorce, would they still remain brother and sister?

Do you like candy? Yes? (give them plastic grocery bag) Well, if you get any here is bag to put it in...if that doesn't work out you could always put it over your head and play "spaceman".

I also have the heart of a child…I keep it in a little glass jar on my night stand.



So yeah, I usually don't get the same gig twice.
 
RedRam

RedRam

Pro Bowler
Joined
Sep 28, 2015
Messages
1,905
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