LEGEND Make Us Laugh
- Thread starter Prime Time
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Frank and Joe were life long buddies and always played golf together.
Frank took ill and was dying. Joe went and saw his good friend every day in the hospital.
One day, Joe asked Frank if he could do him a favor: "Frank, when you pass... if there's any way to do it, can you send me a message from Heaven and tell me if there's golf up there?"
Frank said "sure, if there's any way, I'll let you know".
Frank passed away a few days later.
The next week, while Joe was fast asleep, he was awakened by a loud noise and flash of light. A voice cried out to him: "Joe... Joe... it's me, Frank".
Joe dismissed it initially, but the voice kept coming even louder... "Joe! Joe! It's me, Frank!"
Finally, Joe asked the voice... "If you're Frank, I asked you if there's golf up in heaven... well, is there?"
Frank replied: "Well, I have some good news and a little bid of bad news for you on that. Yes! There is golf in heaven... and it's fantastic! Great tee times, weather's always perfect, courses are pristine and we get to play with some of the legends of the game!!!"
Joe asked: "So, what's the bad news?"
Frank replied: "You're in our foursome Sunday"
Frank took ill and was dying. Joe went and saw his good friend every day in the hospital.
One day, Joe asked Frank if he could do him a favor: "Frank, when you pass... if there's any way to do it, can you send me a message from Heaven and tell me if there's golf up there?"
Frank said "sure, if there's any way, I'll let you know".
Frank passed away a few days later.
The next week, while Joe was fast asleep, he was awakened by a loud noise and flash of light. A voice cried out to him: "Joe... Joe... it's me, Frank".
Joe dismissed it initially, but the voice kept coming even louder... "Joe! Joe! It's me, Frank!"
Finally, Joe asked the voice... "If you're Frank, I asked you if there's golf up in heaven... well, is there?"
Frank replied: "Well, I have some good news and a little bid of bad news for you on that. Yes! There is golf in heaven... and it's fantastic! Great tee times, weather's always perfect, courses are pristine and we get to play with some of the legends of the game!!!"
Joe asked: "So, what's the bad news?"
Frank replied: "You're in our foursome Sunday"
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LazyWinker
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Leuzer
Daniel Leu
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Here are a couple jokes you can try on your friends.
Updog
This one might be difficult to pull off. If you've seen The Office, you'll recognize this joke. The goal is to have your unsuspecting friend say "What is updog?" so you can reply "Nothing much, what's up with you." One line that works the best is to say "It smells like updog in here."
Matter Baby
This is essentially the same goal as the updog joke. A good hypothetical question to ask would be "Would you rather eat 10 bricks or a matter baby." To which you hope they reply "What's a matter baby?" "Nothing, what's the matter with you?"
Sofa King
Write down on a piece of paper the words "i am sofa king we todd did" and have your friends try to decipher the message. Just sit back and enjoy.
(NSFW) ->
Updog
This one might be difficult to pull off. If you've seen The Office, you'll recognize this joke. The goal is to have your unsuspecting friend say "What is updog?" so you can reply "Nothing much, what's up with you." One line that works the best is to say "It smells like updog in here."
Matter Baby
This is essentially the same goal as the updog joke. A good hypothetical question to ask would be "Would you rather eat 10 bricks or a matter baby." To which you hope they reply "What's a matter baby?" "Nothing, what's the matter with you?"
Sofa King
Write down on a piece of paper the words "i am sofa king we todd did" and have your friends try to decipher the message. Just sit back and enjoy.
(NSFW) ->
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A rookie cop pulls a motorcyclist over for speeding.
He asks the motocyclist for his license.
The motorcyclist says: "I don't have it. They took it away from me after my fifth DUI".
The cops asks for the registration for the motorcycle.
The motocyclist says: "I don't have it. I threw it away when I stole the bike and went through the saddle bags".
The cop asks permission to go through the saddle bags.
The motorcyclist says: "sure, but all you'll find is the pot and gun I put in there after I threw the dead owner's stuff away"
The cop says: "the dead owner?"
The motorcyclist says: "yeah, I shot him dead when I stole the bike"
At that, the rookie cop calls his sergeant for backup.
The sergeant arrives and starts asking the motorcyclist questions.
Sergeant: "may I see your license?"
Motorcyclist: "Sure, here it is officer"
Sergeant: "may I see your registration?"
Motorcyclist: "Sure, right here officer"
Sergeant: "may I look into your saddlebags?"
Motorcyclist: "Sure, but all you'll find is some food, water and personal belongings"
Once the sergeant was satisfied everything was in order, he said to the motorcyclist: "I don't get it... the other officer said you didn't have a license... didn't have a registration... had drugs... had a gun and you shot a man dead"
The motorcyclist laughed and said... "yeah, and I bet he told you I was speeding too!
He asks the motocyclist for his license.
The motorcyclist says: "I don't have it. They took it away from me after my fifth DUI".
The cops asks for the registration for the motorcycle.
The motocyclist says: "I don't have it. I threw it away when I stole the bike and went through the saddle bags".
The cop asks permission to go through the saddle bags.
The motorcyclist says: "sure, but all you'll find is the pot and gun I put in there after I threw the dead owner's stuff away"
The cop says: "the dead owner?"
The motorcyclist says: "yeah, I shot him dead when I stole the bike"
At that, the rookie cop calls his sergeant for backup.
The sergeant arrives and starts asking the motorcyclist questions.
Sergeant: "may I see your license?"
Motorcyclist: "Sure, here it is officer"
Sergeant: "may I see your registration?"
Motorcyclist: "Sure, right here officer"
Sergeant: "may I look into your saddlebags?"
Motorcyclist: "Sure, but all you'll find is some food, water and personal belongings"
Once the sergeant was satisfied everything was in order, he said to the motorcyclist: "I don't get it... the other officer said you didn't have a license... didn't have a registration... had drugs... had a gun and you shot a man dead"
The motorcyclist laughed and said... "yeah, and I bet he told you I was speeding too!
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Robocop
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ppl love this story when I'm drunk to tell it. when I was 14 I was getting ready for school one morning. wearing losing boxers and holding a handful of clothes I pushed by dresser drawer shut with my hips and crushed my dick in the drawer and screamed bloody murder waking up the house. dick was like purple for a week but no permanent damage done
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A very wealthy businessman, who likes to collect pieces of art is talking to his lawyer.
The lawyer says to the wealthy businessman that he has some good news and some bad news for him.
The businessman says: "I've had a really bad day... tell me the good news first".
The lawyer says: "well, your wife just acquired two pictures for $500K that she believes will be worth over $5 million in less than six months!"
The businessman says: "Great! That really makes my day! What's thew bad news?"
The lawyer says: "The pictures are of you and your secretary!"
The lawyer says to the wealthy businessman that he has some good news and some bad news for him.
The businessman says: "I've had a really bad day... tell me the good news first".
The lawyer says: "well, your wife just acquired two pictures for $500K that she believes will be worth over $5 million in less than six months!"
The businessman says: "Great! That really makes my day! What's thew bad news?"
The lawyer says: "The pictures are of you and your secretary!"
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A young man and his new girlfriend are about to be intimate for the first time.
She tells him, put your hand up there.
He does.
She says put your other hand up in there.
He does.
She tells him clap.
I cant he exclaims!
Tight aint it baby, she says.
She tells him, put your hand up there.
He does.
She says put your other hand up in there.
He does.
She tells him clap.
I cant he exclaims!
Tight aint it baby, she says.
-X-
Medium-sized Lebowski
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Memphis Ram
Legend
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Memphis Ram
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