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- Feb 9, 2014
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This should cheer some of you up. 
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Why Your Team Sucks 2014: San Francisco 49ers
Drew Magary
Some people are fans of the San Francisco 49ers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the San Francisco 49ers. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
Your team: San Francisco 49ers
Your 2013 record: 12-4. Let's see how it ended:
Damn. See, you would have made the Super Bowl if that had been a touchdown instead of an interception! Funny how that works! Now let's watch Richard Sherman talk shit to Michael Crabtree as you, the Niners fan, sit there helplessly, knowing there's not a fucking thing you can do to rebut it.
It's always rough when you get fully emasculated like that and spend the next year or so fumbling for a decent comeback, when there isn't one to be had. You can be like, "Well, at least we lost with class!" (NOTE: The Niners never ever ever lose with class), or you can be like, "Pfft, you're still not that good. Your trash talk didn't hurt me!" when everyone knows that trash talk burned your soul. You cannot undo the ownage. Sorry. Maybe you should stop calling fade routes to Michael Crabtree that end up costing you your season.
Your coach: I believe this giant oversized baby requires no introduction…
This is a grown man who still brings a fucking glove to baseball games. Who does that? Keep in mind that the Niners are so sick of Jim Harbaugh's shit that they nearly traded him to the Browns (the Browns!) this offseason, then vehemently denied almost trading him, and then were caught lying about nearly trading him. Imagine how big a of a shitbag Harbaugh must be for his team to want to divest themselves of him, after winning 36 games in three years and making three straight NFC title games. He must take a shit on Trent Baalke's doorstep every morning or something. Fuck Jim Harbaugh, and fuck his pants.
Your quarterback: Oh, you mean the GLORYYYYYYY BOYYYYYY?
Look at the dipshits this guy surrounds himself with. That is the lamest entourage I've ever seen. Never ever trust a man who wears fingerless gloves for no reason. Colin Kaepernick also wears sunglasses inside (look at the size of Denton's head in that linked picture; it's TWICE the size of any other head). Every night is Oscar night when you wear sunglasses inside!
These photos were taken at a Deadspin Super Bowl party that was co-sponsored by Jaguar (Jaguar™: Three Months In The Shop Ain't That Bad!), and they had Kaepernick enter the party by driving a Jag from one room into the main ballroom and then get out of the car in that getup. It was very brand-y. Darren Rovell would have creamed his Haggars in delight. Do you see Tom Brady doing this? No, because he poses with goats in ads and that's playing QB the right way. Peyton and Eli Manning look like they star in humorous rap videos, not actual rap videos, and there's a big difference, you know?
Anyway, the Niners gave Kaep a contract extension this offseason that forced the quarterback to buy his own insurance policy. That's how much faith the Niners have in Colin Kaepernick (given that Blaine Gabbert is the backup, they should be kissing his feet). They even put de-escalators in the contract, like, "Hey listen Colin, we love you. But if you throw two back-breaking picks against Seattle again, we're gonna have to take $12 million away from you." Every NFL team depends on its QB and its head coach, and the Niners can barely tolerate either of theirs.
Also, you're never winning a Super Bowl with this guy.
Sorry. That's the straw that broke the camel's back.
What's new that sucks: The stadium! Yes, the Niners got a new stadium, known from here on out as the JeanHole, designed specifically for tech assholes and located in an exurb designed to take everything good about California and genericize it into a Indianapolis strip mall area. Your food will never arrive, but at least six guys pitched you on a startup while you sat there waiting. And that is the future of football in San Francisco, which is no longer actually in San Francisco. After the game, you'll be able to take a $200 Uber ride back to your Airbnb rental, where six gangbang orgies were filmed not but two days ago. Also, San Francisco citizens are so used to be it being 55 degrees at all times that going to Santa Clara induces heat stroke:
Many of the 68,000 seasoned fans who attended the first 49ers game in Santa Clara, a preseason contest on Sunday afternoon, wound up with over-heated cellphones...
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! NOT AN OVERHEATED CELL PHONE! QUICK! BLOW ON IT! BLOW ON THE PHONE! MY KINGDOM FOR CELL PHONE COOLANT! I ONLY HAVE MY GLASS AND MY IPAD AND MY SECOND IPAD FOR BACKUP!
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Why Your Team Sucks 2014: San Francisco 49ers
Drew Magary
Some people are fans of the San Francisco 49ers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the San Francisco 49ers. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
Your team: San Francisco 49ers
Your 2013 record: 12-4. Let's see how it ended:
Damn. See, you would have made the Super Bowl if that had been a touchdown instead of an interception! Funny how that works! Now let's watch Richard Sherman talk shit to Michael Crabtree as you, the Niners fan, sit there helplessly, knowing there's not a fucking thing you can do to rebut it.
It's always rough when you get fully emasculated like that and spend the next year or so fumbling for a decent comeback, when there isn't one to be had. You can be like, "Well, at least we lost with class!" (NOTE: The Niners never ever ever lose with class), or you can be like, "Pfft, you're still not that good. Your trash talk didn't hurt me!" when everyone knows that trash talk burned your soul. You cannot undo the ownage. Sorry. Maybe you should stop calling fade routes to Michael Crabtree that end up costing you your season.
Your coach: I believe this giant oversized baby requires no introduction…
This is a grown man who still brings a fucking glove to baseball games. Who does that? Keep in mind that the Niners are so sick of Jim Harbaugh's shit that they nearly traded him to the Browns (the Browns!) this offseason, then vehemently denied almost trading him, and then were caught lying about nearly trading him. Imagine how big a of a shitbag Harbaugh must be for his team to want to divest themselves of him, after winning 36 games in three years and making three straight NFC title games. He must take a shit on Trent Baalke's doorstep every morning or something. Fuck Jim Harbaugh, and fuck his pants.
Your quarterback: Oh, you mean the GLORYYYYYYY BOYYYYYY?
Look at the dipshits this guy surrounds himself with. That is the lamest entourage I've ever seen. Never ever trust a man who wears fingerless gloves for no reason. Colin Kaepernick also wears sunglasses inside (look at the size of Denton's head in that linked picture; it's TWICE the size of any other head). Every night is Oscar night when you wear sunglasses inside!
These photos were taken at a Deadspin Super Bowl party that was co-sponsored by Jaguar (Jaguar™: Three Months In The Shop Ain't That Bad!), and they had Kaepernick enter the party by driving a Jag from one room into the main ballroom and then get out of the car in that getup. It was very brand-y. Darren Rovell would have creamed his Haggars in delight. Do you see Tom Brady doing this? No, because he poses with goats in ads and that's playing QB the right way. Peyton and Eli Manning look like they star in humorous rap videos, not actual rap videos, and there's a big difference, you know?
Anyway, the Niners gave Kaep a contract extension this offseason that forced the quarterback to buy his own insurance policy. That's how much faith the Niners have in Colin Kaepernick (given that Blaine Gabbert is the backup, they should be kissing his feet). They even put de-escalators in the contract, like, "Hey listen Colin, we love you. But if you throw two back-breaking picks against Seattle again, we're gonna have to take $12 million away from you." Every NFL team depends on its QB and its head coach, and the Niners can barely tolerate either of theirs.
Also, you're never winning a Super Bowl with this guy.
Sorry. That's the straw that broke the camel's back.
What's new that sucks: The stadium! Yes, the Niners got a new stadium, known from here on out as the JeanHole, designed specifically for tech assholes and located in an exurb designed to take everything good about California and genericize it into a Indianapolis strip mall area. Your food will never arrive, but at least six guys pitched you on a startup while you sat there waiting. And that is the future of football in San Francisco, which is no longer actually in San Francisco. After the game, you'll be able to take a $200 Uber ride back to your Airbnb rental, where six gangbang orgies were filmed not but two days ago. Also, San Francisco citizens are so used to be it being 55 degrees at all times that going to Santa Clara induces heat stroke:
Many of the 68,000 seasoned fans who attended the first 49ers game in Santa Clara, a preseason contest on Sunday afternoon, wound up with over-heated cellphones...
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! NOT AN OVERHEATED CELL PHONE! QUICK! BLOW ON IT! BLOW ON THE PHONE! MY KINGDOM FOR CELL PHONE COOLANT! I ONLY HAVE MY GLASS AND MY IPAD AND MY SECOND IPAD FOR BACKUP!
"I came home super sun burnt," said Gabe Hernandez, a 30-year-old fan from Roseville. "Me and my friend only lasted one quarter until she tapped out to get out of the beaming sun. I miss the 'Stick."
Temperatures that day? Mid-80s. You people are soft.
Football-wise, Jonathan Martin is here. I'm sure being around a coach as levelheaded and even-tempered as Jim Harbaugh will do WONDERS for his fragile psyche. To make up for the loss of three-quarters of the secondary, the team imported Chris Cook from the Vikings, who sucks at both deep coverage AND not beating women up. And the vaunted Niners linebacking corps will be operating at 50% capacity for most of the season, thanks to Aldon Smith's forthcoming suspension (GLUG GLUG GLUG) and NoVorro Bowman's leg snapping in half. Here is the Bowman injury in gif form, because I am a dick.
What has always sucked: We've already covered how miserable Harbaugh is. Now that Jed York has his precious luxury stadium, there's nothing stopping him from finally cutting Harbaugh loose and embarking on decades of penny-pinching ownership that will produce both countless losses and insane profits. That's the real future of the Niners. They are a perfect microcosm of San Francisco itself: a city that looks great and can be lots of fun, but secretly will do ANYTHING to keep you away. It is one giant co-op board.
The city has become a dystopia, a place where rich people literally have their ownsegregated form of transit, which allows them to look upon the heroin addicts lying in the gutter as if they were figures in a museum diorama. In 20 years, the city will have a floating monorail that costs $100 per ride, and you'll be allowed to spit on the poor as you blow by them. It hasn't just become New York, it has become an alien mutation of New York.
The average apartment is the size of a safe deposit box and carries a $5,000 monthly rent. We're five years away from San Francisco being completely depopulated simply because hedge fund managers gobbled up so much real estate as assets and not for actual living quarters. It'll be the anti-matter Detroit. Even Vegas isn't this good at swindling you out of your money. It is the manifestation of every criticism of liberal hypocrisy, like Alice Waters "supporting" local farmers by charging customers $100 for a tomato.
What might not suck: The offensive and defensive lines are still the best in football, and the Niners' deep postseason runs have kept other teams from raiding their coaching staff, ensuring remarkable continuity. Even with the injuries and free agent departures, the Niners are the sort of team that can replace key parts and still win 12 games. Unless Kaepernick goes down. If that happens, you are fucked.
I saw a tweet from a Niners fan the other day begging for them to trade for Christian Ponder so that they wouldn't have to rely on Yo Gabba Gabbert. Think about the desperation needed to consider Christian Ponder some kind of savior.
Temperatures that day? Mid-80s. You people are soft.
Football-wise, Jonathan Martin is here. I'm sure being around a coach as levelheaded and even-tempered as Jim Harbaugh will do WONDERS for his fragile psyche. To make up for the loss of three-quarters of the secondary, the team imported Chris Cook from the Vikings, who sucks at both deep coverage AND not beating women up. And the vaunted Niners linebacking corps will be operating at 50% capacity for most of the season, thanks to Aldon Smith's forthcoming suspension (GLUG GLUG GLUG) and NoVorro Bowman's leg snapping in half. Here is the Bowman injury in gif form, because I am a dick.
What has always sucked: We've already covered how miserable Harbaugh is. Now that Jed York has his precious luxury stadium, there's nothing stopping him from finally cutting Harbaugh loose and embarking on decades of penny-pinching ownership that will produce both countless losses and insane profits. That's the real future of the Niners. They are a perfect microcosm of San Francisco itself: a city that looks great and can be lots of fun, but secretly will do ANYTHING to keep you away. It is one giant co-op board.
The city has become a dystopia, a place where rich people literally have their ownsegregated form of transit, which allows them to look upon the heroin addicts lying in the gutter as if they were figures in a museum diorama. In 20 years, the city will have a floating monorail that costs $100 per ride, and you'll be allowed to spit on the poor as you blow by them. It hasn't just become New York, it has become an alien mutation of New York.
The average apartment is the size of a safe deposit box and carries a $5,000 monthly rent. We're five years away from San Francisco being completely depopulated simply because hedge fund managers gobbled up so much real estate as assets and not for actual living quarters. It'll be the anti-matter Detroit. Even Vegas isn't this good at swindling you out of your money. It is the manifestation of every criticism of liberal hypocrisy, like Alice Waters "supporting" local farmers by charging customers $100 for a tomato.
What might not suck: The offensive and defensive lines are still the best in football, and the Niners' deep postseason runs have kept other teams from raiding their coaching staff, ensuring remarkable continuity. Even with the injuries and free agent departures, the Niners are the sort of team that can replace key parts and still win 12 games. Unless Kaepernick goes down. If that happens, you are fucked.
I saw a tweet from a Niners fan the other day begging for them to trade for Christian Ponder so that they wouldn't have to rely on Yo Gabba Gabbert. Think about the desperation needed to consider Christian Ponder some kind of savior.
