Looking down the Barrell of a Divorce that I didn't want.

[Snaz]

It's getting closer to her filing for divorce. Without going into details, it's like she sees the past with a distorted reality. I'm not going to contest it, but I have stood for my marriage out of religious reasons. So I wouldn't do the simplified, we are both petitioners, and told her to be the petitioner and I the respondent.

Not even sure I will go to the hearing. Any advice? How to cope without booze or drugs?

 

[Yamahopper]

Time happens.
I married for life well over 30 years ago. It was great. Couldn't desire a better woman to share it with.
Then time happened. Her future goals changed and so did mine. Before the bitterness set in and became the norm we agreed to leave it all in a good place and go our separate ways.
She now lives in where she always wanted to and has a great life and is very happy. I get to take jobs I always dreamed of in locations I never thought I'd see. I get to live as I wish.
And we care as much now for each other as we always did.

Time happens. It's not the end it's a new beginning.

 

[Dodgersrf]

It's a very difficult thing to go through.
Although it may not seem like it at times, I can promise you one thing for certain...your going to be ok.

Eventually, even better than ok.

Everyone deserves to have someone in their life, that actually wants to be there.

 

[-X-]

It's getting closer to her filing for divorce. Without going into details, it's like she sees the past with a distorted reality. I'm not going to contest it, but I have stood for my marriage out of religious reasons. So I wouldn't do the simplified, we are both petitioners, and told her to be the petitioner and I the respondent.

Not even sure I will go to the hearing. Any advice? How to cope without booze or drugs?

It's rough. Been through it - with young kids. I didn't take the smart route, either. Drank, partied, slept around, got into fights, got inked, pierced, bought all kinds of expensive shit, including cars -- anything to mask the pain. My advice? Don't do that. Just don't do it. Time heals all wounds and you'll find someone else better. Because you'll know what to look for and what to avoid. I know this well, because I just recently celebrated my 16th wedding anniversary with my 2nd wife, and it only gets better every day. If I had to do it all over again, I would have made some better choices after the divorce. I'm hoping you don't look back and say the same thing.

 

[IowaRam]

Tough news

My wife has been telling me what to do since we were 17 years old , I don't think I would be capable of functioning on my own..............lol

 

[raised_fisT]

^^ Same here. Except, I think I WANT to know what it feels like to function on my own, now. As I am in a similar situation as the OP.

Good luck with everything, Snaz.

 

[Rams Until I Die]

Sorry to hear that brother. It's incredibly tough. I'm also going through a divorce I don't want. Only difference is I filled for it. It's sucks we've barley been married over a year and have a year and half baby girl. The way I'm getting through is lean on friends man. Talk and talk, find the friend that lets you vent and go for it. You'll get through it.

 

[Snaz]

I'm in Celebrate Recovery (CR) at Church. The CR 12 step program. A Life Group through Church. Seeing a Counselor, switching to a Faith based one, see how she does, haven't met her yet. On two antidepressants. Mainly because I was diagnosed with Chronic Depression. I was in a bad funk the last few months we were together. My mom died Feb 2013. I was hating my job. We were down to one car. My wife's 19/20 year old brother was living with us. We were stressed financially. So my depression was severe and undiagnosed. Not excusing my behavior, but that's what lead her to think about moving on, due to a really bad argument on Easter Sunday, where she attacked me physically multiple times. She now says I got physical, to me, but told her sister and brother in law that I "almost" got violent.

 

[CGI_Ram]

I divorced 11 years ago. I don't want to suggest it's okay, because it's not. A couple really should commit themselves to working thru things... and that takes work.

That said; sometimes people grow apart. If that happens, and you just can't grow together... then take from the relationship the experience of knowing what worked and what didn't. Your next relationship will be stronger as a result. That's a positive you can take away and be thankful for.

Speaking specifically to @Snaz , that's a lot to be thrown at a person. We'd all be stressed... so try not to beat yourself up too much. It sounds like you're taking some positive steps and that's the right approach despite how slow I'm sure it feels the healing is.

 

[UKram]

dude ive been there it blows married my childhood sweetheart we grew up and it didnt work i certainly didnt know how i was going to cope this girl had been by my side for 14.5 years and we had been through too much (4 kids one with a disabilty ) ....somedays you cant see the wood for the trees somedays its the best thing that every happened to you

i got to the point in my divorce where i was standing on a chair with a belt around my neck ....but my i thought of my kids and realised i was being a idiot ,,, and 7 years on im enjoying life ... i had therapy and (after the chair incident) and my counsellor told me its ok to be angry sad happy even .. and a year 18 months after the intial split i was over it ...and i lived my life again

so speak to people ..cry when you want ..laugh when you can ...i promise you man you will get through it

 

[EastRam]

It's not easy. I won't go into details. But my wife and I went thru a lot of pain but so far we've made it back together.

This site helped me (us) a lot.

Give it a read. Lots of really good articles and a different outlook on marriage.

Good luck. Talk a lot and listen with everything you have.

http://www.marriagemax.com/blog/category/free-marriage-counseling-online

 

[Corbin]

Wow crazy stories lads. It's crazy you get to know somebody's views or tendencies reading their posts with the Rams etc and you get to thinking someone as a viewpoint instead of being an actual person.

Reading your stories has really given light to living life, the lows and the highs afterwards and I'm realitivly younger to most that post here it seems and it's something to read about someone else's stories you can relate with. (Emotionally)

I've never been married before or have kids but some bad relationships have turned me off on marriage on how you'd be financially responsible for that person the rest of her life which to me is crazy, the divorce strain in all areas. Am I just taking this stuff the wrong way?

I sincerely wish you the best @spaz and @raised_fisT . If you ever need somebody to talk to don't hestitate to hit me up.

It's been almost 2 years and I still can't seem to put my life together back to where it was from this U.K. Lass. For you U.K. Posters you sure do put together some fiery ass women over there!

 

[shaunpinney]

@Snaz - really sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time, like many others, I've been through divorce, one where we both could petition, only this time it was I that petitioned. My first marriage wasn't always good, our lifestyle created situations where we both would eventually fail. The divorce was hell, pure hell, I'm not going to lie to you about that, but I managed to get through that. We both did. We're now really good friends, and talk to each other regularly. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel my friend, I promise you. I know there are days where things are so dark that you really can't see or believe it like @UKram clearly pointed out, but please be strong - call someone you can trust and be honest with. I'm sure you have friends or family - or us here at ROD that can be there.

As my counsellor told me yesterday - the important thing is acceptance. Accept that we are not perfect, and we have to stop trying. Warts and all we are perfectly imperfect.

But take @-X- advice also, partying hard feels good at the time (trust me, I've been there and done that too) but it will eat you up and the way back from hell will be a lot harder.

I'm now married to my soulmate, but things aren't perfect, unfortunately, not through her fault, but mine. I have issues and addictions (also doing a 12 step programme) that I'm trying to resolve and I'm sometimes on self-destruct. It's hard, but life is. We have a young family and I'm getting better for them, I want to be the best version of me I can be for them, and my lovely wife. They make me want to be better than I am, it's just I've almost lost it all before I realised.

Seeing a counsellor and being in the CR group is a good thing - you have someone to talk to who will not judge you. If you ever need to vent or just to talk, about anything, just PM me.

Stay strong, stay positive (when you can).

 

[Snaz]

I want to thank all of you for your posts and insights.

I guess the hardest part is someone who kept telling me I was her soul mate, she even wrote in her journal that I was the love of her life and to never forget that. Then she started to convince herself to leave me. The speed of which she threw away 13 years of a relationship and didn't want to even try and fix things. She made me promise to never divorce her without going to counseling or trying to make it work. She didn't even want to go that route.

I think she felt shackled and her desire to be free was greater than her commitment to me. Plus the outside influences of single women, guys hitting on her, ex-boyfriends offering advice with intentions of getting with her. Still it ultimately was her choice.

But for someone that used to love me so deeply to brush me off so quickly has to be the hardest part.

She gave me part of her journal, and she wrote some things about having kids with me, and she never talked to me about it. That crushed me.

I'm doing better, but my logical problem solving part of me wants to know what went wrong. But I also know, I will never truly know the answer, because it isn't logical, there isn' a magical formula or anything I could have done. Her personality and her friends and influences probably would have led to this no matter what.

 

[-X-]

I'm doing better, but my logical problem solving part of me wants to know what went wrong. But I also know, I will never truly know the answer, because it isn't logical, there isn' a magical formula or anything I could have done. Her personality and her friends and influences probably would have led to this no matter what.

Ultimately, that's probably going to eat at you for a while. It did with me, and it's only natural. I'd like to tell you not to dwell on it, but that's just not possible. That, coupled with the loss and inevitable jealousy (of her new life) is the toughest obstacle of the gauntlet. Again, I'd like to tell you not to worry about it, but you will. I can only tell you that it does get better. After a while, every day gets easier. You'll have setbacks, and seeing her again in whatever setting will bring it all flooding back, but it really does get better. I really didn't think I'd get through it at the time. Now, I don't even remember what it felt like. It helps that my life got exponentially better while my ex's life has turned to complete shit, but I really don't even think about it anymore. It'll be the same for you after a while, I assure you.

 

[Prime Time]

But I also know, I will never truly know the answer, because it isn't logical, there isn' a magical formula or anything I could have done.

There you go. You've already answered the three main questions about divorce already.

1. You will never know the exact reason for the failure of a marriage or relationship. It is always a combination of many things. (In cases where there is physical abuse or adultery, that is not the case of course. It's obvious).

2. There's nothing logical about it or her actions. So don't look for it because it will drive you nuts.

3. Sure, examine what you could have done better but don't dwell on it and become morbidly introspective to the point of depression.

I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who went through a divorce and an annulment by the age of 26, and have been married now for over 31 years. The first two marriages were doomed by immaturity, selfishness, and my raging alcoholism.

This long-term marriage(roller-coaster ride) could have been a whole lot better had I not tried to figure her out and try to fix her. My favorite lyric that speaks to this was written by Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull. "I had waited for time to change her, the only change that came was over me."

 

[LACHAMP46]

man, I feel for ya brother...but this was some real ass shit in this thread. I'm just married, 2012. I've known her since she was 17 and I was 22....We have 1 child...10 years old. That's 28 years mostly together besides my fuck ups...I try to be a better man to her every day....Cause, to tell the truth, I'm still a fuck up.

 

[EastRam]

Be very careful with advice coming from friends and family.

When friends and family are giving advice they are basing that advice with only 50% of the facts of the situation.

They will put you and or your spouse down and take sides without either one of you there to defend yourself and express the "other side of the story".

Friends and family sticking their noses where they don't belong can cause serious damage to saving your relationship. They should be their for support only and offer advice only when both parties are present.

Hope your well @Snaz

 

[LesBaker]

I want to thank all of you for your posts and insights.

I guess the hardest part is someone who kept telling me I was her soul mate, she even wrote in her journal that I was the love of her life and to never forget that. Then she started to convince herself to leave me. The speed of which she threw away 13 years of a relationship and didn't want to even try and fix things. She made me promise to never divorce her without going to counseling or trying to make it work. She didn't even want to go that route.

I think she felt shackled and her desire to be free was greater than her commitment to me. Plus the outside influences of single women, guys hitting on her, ex-boyfriends offering advice with intentions of getting with her. Still it ultimately was her choice.

But for someone that used to love me so deeply to brush me off so quickly has to be the hardest part.

She gave me part of her journal, and she wrote some things about having kids with me, and she never talked to me about it. That crushed me.

I'm doing better, but my logical problem solving part of me wants to know what went wrong. But I also know, I will never truly know the answer, because it isn't logical, there isn' a magical formula or anything I could have done. Her personality and her friends and influences probably would have led to this no matter what.

After reading that I'm going to say something you may not like but is true.

She did the right thing. Maybe she did it the wrong way, and I would say she probably did. You should be glad she did rather than waiting until you were both older or even very old. If she was sharing things with a journal and not you then it was over at that point. The logical portion will hopefully see that.

I stayed in a relationship quite some time too long out of loyalty and I would have done her and I a favor if I could have been honest to us both. We are still close friends and have encouraged each other in life and always will but I should have ended it a few years before I did.

That hole in your heart will go away faster than you think.

When I left I was racked with guilt and had been talking to a friend who went through the same thing.......he ended his marriage of 15 (I think) years and was really full of guilt. He told me something that ended up being true. He said "one day you will wake up and the guilty feeling won't be ther anymore". And that's what happened. It'll happen to you too. I promise.

@EastRam you are right no the money. She had one of her friends trying to convince her for a long, long time that she shouldn't ever have anything to do with me ever again. It was really a shitty thing to do.

 

[JonRam99]

Praying for you, @Snaz . Keep looking up, and try not to listen to the Eliphaz's of this world.