Weird feeling

brokeu91 · May 16, 2014

I just feel like sharing something with my Rams brothers, because I need to get this off my chest

Background: I grew up fairly poor. I lived in a working class neighborhood. My friends and family all were from the same type of place. Our family was on welfare, but we got by. My parents always fought, right in front of me and my brother, especially about money. I remember always being anxious that my family would be kicked out of our house and our family would break up. It probably motivated me quite a bit actually.

Through years of toiling, of being disadvantaged (and I can tell you how much it sucks growing up as a poor white kid), I made it. I'm a doctor. I'm now engaged to a beautiful, kind, intelligent woman (who is way beyond what I deserve) and will be married in a few months. I just bought a beautiful house, in a beautiful neighborhood. I'm still cheap as hell, but it's weird knowing that I could just suddenly buy something that I would never, ever, thought I could just buy "on a whim". I drove through my neighborhood today stunned that I live in such a place. The entire neighborhood is well manicured, beautiful, with great homes, huge plots of lands (I live on an acre plot), and without the cookie cutter houses. I am truly lucky to be in such a place.

So why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel like an imposter? I'm a psychiatrist, I should probably know before you, I realize. I just needed to vent this and get if off my chest. I just feel like a phony, every time I drive home. Every time I see my neighbors, I can't even look them in the eye (it doesn't help that they're all stuck up bastards, I wave but they never wave back).

-X- · May 16, 2014

I felt (and sometimes feel) the same way too. I don't know if 'guilt' is necessarily what you're feeling in as much as it could be a delayed sense of acceptance of your current status? I dunno. I'm certainly no Doctor. But I did grow up struggling like you, with the same shitty family dynamic, and I also became a self-made man. When my business became a success, and I was able to afford nicer things and get a nice house (my wife would have married me no matter what, because I'm just that awesome lol), all of it felt unnatural. I'm not supposed to be able to blow a grand on a TV just because I think it's cool. I shouldn't be able to spend $500.00 on a night out with my wife, and I don't necessarily feel connected to rich people at the French Restaurant or high end clubs we'd go to. I still think they're in another economic class, even though we're now neighbors. It's obviously different for the people who are born into that stuff, because they've grown up with a sense of entitlement. Now that you've achieved the same level of success, you just don't know how to process it yet.

But you will. I'm certain you will. The difference is, you'll be able to truly appreciate it.

RhodyRams · May 16, 2014

dude I grew up in what would be considered these days as ghetto. My mom raised 3 kids on $150 a month child support. Now I live where people go on vacation.

We both owe it all to hard work. No reason to feel guilty about working hard to achieve what you want out of life. Wifey and I do alot of charity work. I, myself have done thousands of dollars of work on houses where people couldnt afford to pay to have the work done. Christine volunteeres at a few different soup kitchens, animal shelters, churches, not to mention the volunteer time we both put in at the local libraries.

Try something like that, it may help you feel a bit better about who you are.

On a side note, you're a physchiatrist? Any way I can get a script for medical Mary Jane? She helps me alot with stress

Just kidding !!!

Memento · May 16, 2014

I have...some of the same feelings. I was born in a middle class house with two parents who cared about me a lot. It's only thanks to them that I'm talking to you guys; I was born with autism, barely verbal, not even close to social. I still cope with it, along with severe depression and symptoms from at least fifteen other disabilities. I admit that I've struggled to find jobs. I've struggled to be social with other people. Hell, I've struggled to keep true to myself; that feeling of feeling fake or phony...I feel that every day, that I'm just lying to myself and everyone else about who I am.

I want to reach the top and be self-made like you guys. I want to be that author who has written countless good books, not just for a living, but so that I can tell myself that everything was worth it, so that kids can pick out my books in a library, read them, and say, "You know what? That's actually a pretty good book." But I alwasy wonder to myself...who am I, really? Do I deserve any of the good things that I have now? Should I continue to hate who I am, to hate every little bit about me that I feel is wrong? And I don't know the right answer to that question.

Ramhusker · May 16, 2014

Relax Rams brother. You have arrived and of your own volition. You deserve what you have and appearances are often deceiving. You never know how broke or in debt your neighbors are and how they managed to be YOUR neighbors.

I grew up in a very blue collar family. My dad was a mailman and had his little shop right next to our trailer where he worked on cars until the am hours. My mom worked across the street at a garment factory. I know they lived pay day to pay day and managed to provide for us. Both of them had 7th grade educations but still made things work without any assistance. Our trailer burned down on Christmas eve when I was 16 and even though my parents were still paying for it, somehow, they were not insured. So, basically, we were homeless. From the big hearts of small town people, we were set up in a little house and boxes upon boxes of goods and clothes appeared on our doorstep. (That's when I got my first pair of blue jeans) So when I graduated from high school, college was surely not an option even though one of my uncles offered to send me to the University of Richmond. I just couldn't take that charity for some crazy noble reason and I joined the USAF. Fifteen years later, married with children, I decided to go to college, not to seek a better job, but to experience it with my wife who had started the quarter before me and to set an example for my kids to follow. We both graduated, she's now a Dean at a technical college, and I'm a machine operator (because I'm still an idiot).

We bought a big house on two acres in a secluded neighborhood beside a doctor, a lawyer, a couple of business owners, and two doors down, my boss. (That really pissed him off.)

Like X, I can blow a grand on something I really want but I rarely do because I too am a tight bastard. (Well, except for the big screen TV, going to a Rams game once in awhile and satisfying my wife's appetite for travel) And that comes from growing up with limited resources, knowing that you can unexpectedly return to those times if things were to go south for some reason. That's where your guilt comes from man. You know how it is to struggle and you know others are out there doing it. Of course, you know where the guilty feelings are originating because you are a QUACK! (Been waiting to call you that!

) You just needed to hear it from us for confirmation. Congrats on your success man, love it and live it. It's much better than being an underachiever like me.

Ramhusker · May 16, 2014

You my friend, are in way better shape than you view yourself. You are well on your way to where you want to go. All you have to do is believe in yourself, stay positive, and never give up or consider failure an option. And I think everybody asks themselves at some point in life, "who am I?", "Am I deserving?" One thing I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt is NOBODY is perfect.

Learn to love yourself man. You will find it hard to love anyone else if you don't first learn to love yourself. Hate? Nobody's got time for that! Dude, we don't even know you except for our ROD brotherhood and we like you! Feel free to bounce a paragraph or two (or more) of a book you are working on for some feedback. You might surprise yourself on how impressed we may be!

PhxRam · May 16, 2014

I think it is your subconscious telling you to never forget your past.

Selassie I · May 17, 2014

Keep your chin up and your socks pulled high Brudda.

Oh, and keep waving at your neighbors every time you see them. Make sure you give them a proud smile with each wave.

grease · May 17, 2014

I hate to be the wet blanket here but you have yet to make it. You're just starting. Just starting a marriage (your first?). Being a homeowner (your first?). Much of our economy is based upon getting people to believe they have made it when they haven't. Usually their expectations exceed their finances and that is where the trouble starts with taking on debt. I'd caution you (and your wife) to not fall for it. Live within your means. Your childhood witnessed the corrosive effects of a marriage arguing over money.

There's a lot to be said for steady progress. It allows a person to grow to be better able to meet the challenges of their circumstance. You already have a negative opinion of your neighbors (stuck up bastards) yet you can't look them in the eye? It's as if you are trying to wall yourself off from your surroundings. Does your fiancé feel the same? Is her life story similar to yours?

Your questions about why you feel "guilty", "like an imposter", "like a phony" to me makes me wonder if a concern for finances is at some level being expressed.
Too many people in their 20s and 30s want to have the lifestyle of someone in their 50s and 60s who have worked 30-40 years to get there. That type of debt is self imposed, a shooting oneself in the foot with added stress given life challenges of health (yours, children, parents), job security (Obamacare, relocation) and the always necessary working on your marriage.

I don't know your age though I assume you are starting out, perhaps late 20s early 30s? If so my wife and I were there 25 years ago and I can give many examples of all that I've written. If you are in your 40s or older then you've already been around the block and this is written for those much younger. The best advice I can give anyone is marry the right person and strive to stay out of debt. Both (within reason) are in your control. I wish you and your fiancé the very best in starting this new phase of your life and meeting the challenges and joys of your future together.

brokeu91 · May 17, 2014

I appreciate your concern. I'm in my mid 30s. I'm not living beyond my means at all. I'm pretty cheap and still drive my crappy POS car I had since I was in med school. Tracy and I save a ton of money, in part because we're both cheap but also because I always worry about money. Our financial advisor loves us because of it.

The reason why it's all so new is because it takes a long time to become an attending. I started college when I was 18. I finished training when I was 33.

fearsomefour · May 18, 2014

"Know thyself"

I hear ya. Anxiety can show itself in a lot of different ways and for a lot of different reasons.
You dealt with stressful things when you were a kid. It can leave an imprint. If you had a sense of insecurity because of financial things growing up, always waiting for the next bad news/crisis this may be what your feeling. Not guilt persey, more like that nagging subconscious voice reminding you to not get comfortable, don't relax ect.
The bit you said about having a person in your life don't deserve. That is kind of a sign of that....feeling insecure, not worthy. It is nonsense of course. No one is "ideal" or perfect. No marriage is ideal beyond the point the two people involved are willing to work at it and be understanding.
I had a personal loss that shocked me 10 years ago. It took me a bit to realize to this day it effects me.
Anytime a call shows up on my phone with a number I don't know I get a start and almost have a mini panic attack. Realizing your head goes to a place that may not be directly related to your current situation can take some time to adjust to. Once you realize it, think about it honestly you can make progress.
That has been my experience anyway.

Angry Ram · May 18, 2014

Bro, you obviously worked hard to get where you are at, and being raised they way you were just makes you stronger.

No need to feel ashamed. I'm at the point in my life where I'm so close to where you are at, but there's still some major hurdles to jump before I gte there. You, again, have made it. Enjoy your life.

Elmgrovegnome · May 23, 2014

You grew up poor. The rich were people to envy or maybe you just could never relate. You know they looked down on you. You aren't one of them, and probably never will be (Ihope not at least). So you feel like a sellout.

My advice to you is buy some land and build a modestly sized but very nice home, away from the snooty people. Buy the things you want but still scrutinize your purchases. Be yourself. By living amongst the Riches you feel like you are trying to be something you are not.

And for Gods sake, Quit waving at your neighbors! If anything you should be flipping them off!

Cardncub · May 23, 2014

I come from a small town where everyone waves at everybody. When I moved to the "big city" I started waving at neighbors as they drove by. At first I would just get stares. Slowly but surely they started waving back. Now when anyone drives by my house they wave. Some even look to see if I'm out just to wave. I started doing this at @PhxRam 's house. There are a few that wave now. I'll keep working on them as well. It's my goal to have everyone wave at their neighbors. :cheers:

RmsLegends · May 23, 2014

I don't know I would say in my experience there seems to often be two aspects of having no money that can affect someone deeply. Poor and broke, broke is a circumstance, but poor a mentality. So while it looks like ya fixed the broke circumstance I would wonder if ya still have the poor mentality and from struggles ya have faced are feeling and believing in the back of your mind ya are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Our could also be combined with a sense of chasing a ghost which I am sure ya have seen where someone will feel they never measure up and just try and attain some status or recognition and no matter how much they do they never find the satisfaction they are looking for and is even worst when the person or folks they want the recognition from die and leaves them trying to chase and please a ghost.

I also would venture to say ya prolly learned to get by on simple things and found much joy in them and so now your life has taken ya away from the simple ya learned to find joy in and the more complex of life is less fulfilling, So heck I have no idea of the simple ya might have enjoyed, but since it is Memorial day weekend I would find some simple things ya enjoyed maybe a camping trip watching folks play in the park or what have ya that years ago just made ya feel content and even allowed ya to sit and dream and visualize how ya would pursue those dreams. As it seems ya did have success pursuing the dreams, but now do not find the same content ya imagined ya would.

Ya are so aware of dreams and how they speak from the subconscious mind and show what we are feeling in our emotional and mental health. So I would pay close attention to the ones ya have where ya kill or murder someone as ya know that is just the mental state and emotional state projecting how it sees we are killing off a part of ourselves and pay attention to and make note of the details of the who or over why ya did so. As the devil is always in the details. I would also make note when I dreamt of being chased or running and what was chasing me or I was running from. Maybe even if ya have the ones where ya are naked in public and no one notices but ya still have the feeling of vulnerable and open. Or even the ones ya find when ya are driving so ya can get a feel of what direction your mind is telling ya, ya are headed in. So I would just note the times my subconscious would speak to me of my emotional and mental state and note it all and begin to look for the common denominator so ya can address what is really bothering ya emotionally and mentally. An heck find quiet time and speak aloud and question yourself so ya can hear ya as ya know how often times when we hear ourselves ask or speak aloud we hear the answer after we ask the question.

However I do wish ya most luck as ya have worked hard and ya deserve a break from your own mind telling ya and making ya feel like ya don't deserve or ya will never be good enough. Peace I wish to ya bro.

Stranger · May 24, 2014

Financial status is virtually irrelevant, and I was raised with a platinum spoon in my mouth. Who are u as a person, what do u think, how do u treat ur fellow human - that's far more important. All the rest is defined by Madison Avenue and is BS.

brokeu91 · May 24, 2014

I think that's a big part of it. I just feel like that without the struggle it doesn't matter as much. When I was in college, I kept telling myself it will get better, once you're in medical school, you'll be on the path to becoming a doctor. When I was in med school, I kept struggling, but telling myself that it gets better, soon I'll be a resident, an actual doctor and I'll get to make medical decisions. Then I was a resident, working 60-100 hours per week, having very little free time, barely making ends meet. But I kept telling myself that soon I'll be an attending and then it will be better. Then I became an attending and now it is better. I don't work nearly as many hours as before.

I have money, extra money, that I really don't even know what to do with besides save. For instance when I was a resident, I remember a time when I wanted an Xbox 360. I moonlighted working extra shifts at the prison so that I could afford it. After I had I enjoyed it much more knowing how much I worked to get it. I had a huge sense of anticipation, now if I want an XBox, I just buy it...it doesn't feel the same. I don't enjoy it as much. There's a Beatles song, "Strawberry Fields Forever", the opening verse has the lines:

"Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see
It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out
It doesn't matter much to me"

That's how I feel sometimes now

Also, it feels odd having nice things. I just never felt like the type of person who deserves or should have nice things. I still feel like a Hoosier from St. Louis City (those from St. Louis know what that means).

Couple this with the fact that my colleagues never went through what I did, I don't feel like I belong to any particular group anymore. I just feel alone. I've out educated and due to economic reasons, took myself out of my previous class. But I'll never feel comfortable in the economic class that I'm in now. It also makes me sad knowing that my children will grow up in this class, never really knowing the struggle that I went through.

Because I felt alone, because I didn't know how to communicate this with anyone else, I thought I'd share it with the forum and see if anyone else can understand it and see how they were able to get through it.

bluecoconuts · May 24, 2014

I think the sense of guilt can stem from just about anything. I know I feel guilty almost every day, I struggle with sleep (but I'm much better than I was before), used to take medication to balance my mood. I still get nightmares from it, sometimes I scare the absolute shit out of my girlfriend at night. It's still a night and day difference from where I was to where I am now, and I still have a ways to go. Likely I'll never completely get away from the guilt, and there will be times it gets into my head, but the biggest thing is learning to not let it affect my mood.

My guilt is what led me to study physics, specifically the universe, and it will probably lead to other things as well. The difficult part is making sure it motivates me to do better, rather than sends me down a bad path.

There's no shame in what you do, or what happened in the past, eventually in time you should begin to see that. I'd let you know what my doctor told me, but you'd probably already know anyway.

Weird feeling

brokeu91

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-X-

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RhodyRams

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Memento

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