The Life of a Non-Custodial parent

[TXRams86]

I'm about to let RoD in on my personal life.

I'm the father of an amazing 8 year old. Me and her mother split up 4 years ago but I've done everything I can to stay in my daughter's life and be the best dad I can be. Ever since my daughter was born, we've had a very special bond. My daughter is very much like me: she loves sports, xbox, reading, movies...everything her dad likes, she likes. We always spent a ton of time together..a lot more time than she ever spent with her mother. I think it's appropriate that I say her mother cheated on me while we were together which led to our separation (I tried making it work, even went through counseling but she was too hard-headed to try). The guy her mother is with is the guy who she cheated on me with. I was really hurt at first but I got over it rather quickly.

The first few years after our separation were perfect. I got to see my daughter every Friday (after school) - Monday morning (took her to school) [45 minute drive EACH WAY without complaint], I provided her mother with money for my daughter's needs, had my daughter covered under my insurance and felt very much involved in everything she did. One day, out of the blue, she decides that she wants to go the "Child Support" route. Fine, nothing wrong with doing things legally I suppose? I was already giving her money and paying for her insurance. Her mother claims that the reason she filed for support was because she needed benefits for herself (Medicaid? I don't know).

In the state of Texas (and I assume most other states), when you enter into a Child Support case, a custody agreement is also established. One parent is designated as "Primary Custodian" and the other is the "Possessor Custodian". The former is usually the mother and the latter is the father. Naturally, the primary gains all the rights while the possessor gets shafted...big time. The standard custody agreement entitles me to seeing my daughter on the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend of each month. We alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas every year....among a couple of other things. But again, I'm no longer technically a custodial parent.

Things worked fine for the first couple of years on child support. I paid my "bill" every month, I continued to see my daughter every weekend (her mother allowed it) and things were peachy....up until recently.

I have to let you guys know that up until this day, my daughter's mother has something against me. I don't know what it is but she hates me for some reason. I've convinced myself that it HAS to be a jealousy thing (SHE left ME, I've never done anything to make her life difficult and all I care about is my daughter). It's the only thing that makes sense! I won't go into specifics but lets just say that I have a LOT more going for me in life.

This past summer, me and my fiancee took our kids to Disneyland in California (fiancee has a daughter of her own). My daughter's mother allowed me to have her for a full week (I was actually entitled to a whole month during the summer but I didn't want to "stir the pot" so to speak). One of the days we were there, my daughter forgot her prepaid cell phone in our hotel room and I had my cell phone in the backpack we were lugging around the park all day. We were unaware until we got to the hotel that her mother had called. My daughter was asleep when we got back so I figured it'd be OK if she called her mom in the morning...big mistake.

I was awoken the next morning by a call from my sister...who lives in Phoenix. Nowhere near me or my child's mother. How she got my sister's telephone number is a mystery to me. We had stopped by my sister's house before we got to California. She tells me that my child's mother had called her hysterical because we hadn't answered her the day before. She asked a ton of questions that my sister simply couldn't answer and recommended I call her to smooth things over. I called and it became a shit storm of a conversation. Apparently I'm "irresponsible" and "don't even know" what i put her and her family through...WHAT?! MY daughter is with ME, her FATHER. Not some stranger! This irritated me but I kept quiet as she DEMANDED she speak with my daughter. No problem. Once she found out my daughter was alive and well, I thought that'd be the end of it. Boy was I wrong.

We enjoyed the rest of our week and checked out of our hotel on Friday and headed to Hollywood. The intention was to drive to Phoenix from Hollywood, spend another evening with my sister and head back home to Texas in the morning (Saturday). My child's mother was calling for a status update every 4 hours. Apparently, in her mind, it made sense for us to drive 12+ hours back into town, another hour to her place (to drop my daughter off at 4 am) and expect me and my family to drive back to my house (to drop me off, we were in the fiancee's car), while they drove another half hour back to their home. Are you kidding me?! Again, me being the good guy and wanting to avoid conflict, I drove the 12 hours straight back home.

We get to my house, unload our luggage and I put my daughter to bed. Being the nice guy I am, I got all of her dirty clothes in the wash so she could take them with her later that day (it was 4 am Saturday at this time). I wake my daughter to have her call her mother and let her know we were home and OK. My intention was to let my daughter sleep, do her laundry, get a little shut eye and have her home around noon. Makes sense right? After hearing that we were at MY house, her mother demanded to speak with me. We get into an argument because she expects me to drive another hour to her house to drop my daughter off at 5 AM (after a 13 hour drive). I try to explain to her that I've driven all night, my daughter is tired, I have her laundry to do and that it just makes more sense to drop her off later that day. She throws a fit and says she's on her way to pick my daughter up (...at 4 AM..).

She gets here with her father and her boyfriend (...ok?). I wake my daughter (5 AM now), and get whatever things I have ready for her. I walk outside extremely exhausted and annoyed, give my daughter a kiss and tell her I'd be calling her later and then hand her off to her grand father. Now, I almost forgot to say that this whole time I was under the impression that her mother might have something important or at least time-sensitive she wanted to do with my daughter. Her summer was coming to an end soon; maybe she had something planned for her...giving her the benefit of the doubt.

So after handing my daughter off, her mother begins again with why we didn't call her that day we were at Disneyland. I again explained how my daughter had left her phone at the hotel, I had my phone in the backpack and we didn't hear it, that it was late when we got back to the hotel and I checked my phone, and that I would have had my daughter call her first thing in the morning. I again explained that she was in good hands, she was with her father, that I'd never let anything happen to her and that she needed to relax. She again goes on her rampage about how I was irresponsible, how I couldn't imagine what I put her family through, how I was selfish, etc...Her father intervened and told her to stop. This whole time my daughter was holding onto my leg. When I looked down at her, I immediately knew that she didn't want to go with them...she was terrified. But what could I do? I again kissed my daughter, told her everything was OK and reassured her I'd call her in the morning and see her the following weekend.

They left and I was pissed off. I called my fiancee and told her everything that had just transpired. We both agreed that her (child's mother) actions were uncalled for and childish. I again realize that there isn't much I can do and decide to call it a night. As soon as I get comfortable, I get a call from my daughter. I answer to find her crying and saying that she wanted to stay with me and that her mother was in the living room (with her boyfriend) while she was alone in bed. They weren't paying any attention to her. They didn't care to hear about her first time at Disneyland. And, on top of everything, they had NO GOOD REASON for needing her home at 5 AM. I told my daughter everything would be OK and that her mother just wanted her home safe. When we hung up, I felt so bad for my daughter...I felt helpless..and I cried myself to sleep.

I'll leave off here today. If there's enough interest, I'll continue telling the story.

 

[ozarkram]

You seem to be a decent person. You have approached everything in a practical and logical manner. Sorry to say this wont help you. Yes she has something against you. You have moved on and are doing well. Nothing infuriates a women more than that. Right now what you have to worry about is protecting yourself. And remember this has almost nothing to do with your child and everything to do with you. Your child is just one tool she has ,although a powerful one, to get to or at you. From here on out watch your back. Dot all eyes cross all tees. If you have meetings or exchanges with your ex make sure they are public and always and I cant stress this enough have a witness in all your dealings with her. Watch what you say in phone calls and no text messages period. And be prepared for anything. Including at some point your ex turning your child against you. This I hope will never happen but it can. I am not giving you legal advice just life experience but it may not be a bad idea to have a attorney handy. This may just be the tip of the iceberg. And it can get very, very messy.

 

[Selassie I]

It's a tough thing to go through no matter who you are. I have 3 sons and I divorced their mother when they were very young. My oldest is a Junior in college and my twins are Seniors in HS now. So I've gone through the whole process pretty much you could say.

I'll provide you with some advice from my experiences....

Number 1... always do what's best for your daughter. Her interests should come first even if it means that you suffer. Sacrifice for her and she will know. She's too young now to understand, but as she gets older the truth will be obvious to her.

As for the court appointed schedule. I recommend that you follow it to the letter unless it conflicts with the Number 1 rule I just mentioned. Those schedules are designed with both parents in mind. If you're supposed to have her for a month in the summer... take full advantage of all of your time. Your ex is required to follow that schedule just like you. Don't deviate and don't let her either.

It may seem like a pipe dream right now, but just know,,, as time goes by things will get easier. Kids are very resilient and your daughter will be just fine.

I've got loads of free advice on this if you are interested. LOL Fire me a PM anytime.

 

[TXRams86]

Thanks for the replies fellas. It has been a struggle and one would imagine that, by this time, she would be over whatever beef she has with me. But I strongly agree that it's about me doing well. As you can imagine, I didn't use this break-up as a crutch and fall into depression. If anything, it motivated me to get better and I think I've done fairly well for myself. My daughter is REALLY smart and although she's still young, she's seen the difference in me and her mother. Me and my fiancee are stable, we treat our other child with kindness and respect...we're a FAMILY, something I can't say my daughter has with her mother (and her boyfriend). I think stability is a huge thing to a child.

Following the custody agreement isn't an issue. I've read mine forward and backwards, know my schedule and what I'm entitled to. The problem is getting HER to understand. I agree with @ozarkram in that I need to do what's best for me. Being nice to her has gotten me nothing more than additional frustrations because she thinks she can take advantage of me. But..more on that in my next post! I might be taking you up on some of that advice @Selassie I.

 

[ozarkram]

I agree wholeheartedly your child comes first. I am just saying be prepared. Let me give you an example. A couple I knew had been together 5 years with one child. Everything fell apart and they split. It was a bad break. What followed was over a ten year legal slap fight using the child as a weapon. In the end it served only to embitter all parties including the child who when reaching legal age simply walked away from them both shaking his head. My own personal experience was even worse. Just use common sense trust your instincts and watch your back.

 

[TXRams86]

Continuation:

So a week has passed since returning from Disneyland and the subsequent "incident." It's Friday and this weekend is our kid's last weekend before school starts. Me, my fiancee and her daughter arrive at 6 PM to pick my daughter up. Our plan for the evening: take them out for pizza and video games. Our kids LOVE pizza (who DOESN'T?!) and we thought it would be good to let them be kids in the arcade.

We get to the pizza place and my daughter helps me get the drinks. She tells me "Dad, I'm going to be getting more time with you now! Mom says that you're gonna get me for 2 weeks and she's gonna get me for 2 weeks." Now, I IMMEDIATELY know that my daughter must have misunderstood what her mother said but I'm not the type to break my daughter's heart by telling her she's wrong. I ask her what she means and she says that "the judge" told her mother that I would see her for 2 weeks and her mother the other 2 weeks. My child's mother had decided, after coming back from an amazing vacation to Disneyland, that she would modify our "agreement" (letting me have my daughter every weekend) and opted to follow the custody agreement.

Naturally I was upset by this but I calmed myself down by saying that it should have been like this from the beginning. I convinced myself that I had been privileged by being able to see my daughter every weekend up until now. I knew she was doing it out of spite...it was too much of a coincidence that this happens the weekend immediately following Disneyland. I explain to my daughter that I would talk to her mother to be sure that she had understood correctly. Our kids eat and head to the arcade which gives me and the fiancee time to talk. We both agree that my child's mother is doing this as a way of "getting back" at me for what happened during our trip. I find it pretty pathetic that she doesn't think about the repercussions this is going to have on my daughter. Stability remember?

I decide to call her and our brief conversation confirms what I was expecting. I would be getting my daughter on the dates and times outlined in the custody agreement. Fine, it's in writing, official, legal...but a dick move on her part. Our agreement had been working perfectly fine up until this point. I told her that if that's what she wanted to do, I was fine with it. But! I wanted HER to explain to my daughter what was happening and WHY...I wasn't about to be the one to break her heart. Of course she completely avoids the situation and says she'll talk to her about it later.

I understand that this may seem stupid of me to get mad about...the custody agreement has always been in writing this entire time. That's not what upset me. Me and my fiancee had been talking for a long time about things my child's mother has done to hurt my child, directly and indirectly. She's lied to my child about why we split up, she's argued with me in front of my daughter, she's instigated fights between me and her boyfriend in front of my daughter, my daughter says that her mother and boyfriend are constantly arguing and, this is a huge one, she leaves my daughter with her parents (my daughter's grand parents) most of the time. I can take and deal with shit; I'm a grown man who's dealt with my fair share of difficult people. But we're talking about involving an 8 year old child. About my child's mother: there is no talking to her like a rational adult. She's very hard headed, close minded and unwilling to compromise. She likes to instigate arguments and I truly believe that her life is so miserable that the only joy she find is in making me mad; trying to bring me down to her level. I also question her involvement in my daughter's life and if it's healthy or not. When my daughter is with me, it's almost as if her mom is non-existent. My daughter doesn't want to call her (when her mother calls her, the conversations are awkward, nothing like the conversations I have with her), doesn't think about her and she enjoys every minute that she's with me; she's often visibly upset when I drop her back off...sometimes even crying. She didn't even think of getting her mom a souvenir at Disneyland until I suggested she get her something!

Of course if you were to ever speak with her mother, I'm the worst human being in the world. According to her, I'm always putting "shit" into my daughter's head. I'm ALWAYS talking bad about my child's mother, her mother's family and her mother's boyfriend. I supposedly instruct my daughter to completely disregard what her mother says; not listen to her. Basically, that I spend the precious time with my daughter bad mouthing her mother about any and everything. Paranoia? Guilt? Insecurity? I don't know which word describes what her mother is experiencing but I think she thinks all of these things because it's what she's constantly telling my daughter about ME. Again, putting my daughter in the middle when she shouldn't have to worry about these things.

My fiancee and I are both seeking careers in IT. I live in El Paso, TX and the job market here is VERY weak. Any jobs that you CAN find here pay shit. We've already decided that when I graduate (May, 2016) we will be moving to Dallas, TX (10 hour drive from here). What does this mean? My daughter will be staying behind (her mom won't agree to let me take her) and her suffering will be multiplied ten fold. She won't be able to see me every other week and the custody agreement is modified if I live over 100 miles away. This decision was one of the hardest and most painful decisions I've ever had to make in my life. I don't want to leave my daughter but I can't stay here either. It's a necessary evil because it will ultimately benefit all of us. I've already spent time explaining to my daughter my intentions and that it didn't mean I was leaving her behind, abandoning her or forgetting about her. She was ALWAYS welcome and that she would have her own bedroom in OUR home whenever she came to visit. She doesn't understand it entirely yet and I don't want to beat it to death so I bring it up sparingly. She's not the type to talk about her emotions until she hits a breaking point. If there was any way my family could make it work here, we'd stay. It's simply out of the question. As a future husband and father, I need to consider my family's collective needs first and foremost. We do have every intention of trying to get custody of my daughter when she turns 12 but we need to build a solid case.

My daughter knows I'm on her side. She knows she can talk to me about anything and everything. She knows that my fiancee and I want nothing but the absolute best for her. We want her to experience things that she can tell her children about in the future. At this point in her life, her only job is to do good in school and to be a respectful person; both of which she's doing very well at. My decision to go back to college was because of her. Everything I've done in my life has been to better hers. I'm fighting an uphill battle but as long as I'm Superman in her eyes, I don't care. I cannot understand what would possess a person to be so spiteful, hateful, unreasonable and just flat out ugly to another person. I would think that my child's mother and I should share the common goal of raising our daughter. I feel as if she's too concerned about what I'm doing with my life, with my happiness, with my success. Like somehow all of my accomplishments are done to belittle her. I guess you can say that everything I do, she takes as a personal attack (even though she's the last person on my mind). My daughter is the one that suffers and she's beginning to see the difference in households.

So that's where we're at on this post. There's more to come but this is all the time I have this morning. Thanks again to you guys who've shown support and offered kind words. We'll get through this RoD!

 

[Selassie I]

One more suggestion/rule you should try and follow... and this is usually spelled out in most custody agreements. Don't ever talk about your ex in a negative way to your daughter. No matter how much of a POS she may truly be... don't do it. Spend all your time with her in a positive way. Saying hurtful things (even if they are true) about your ex will never be helpful to you or, more importantly, your daughter.

There have been times through the years when I wanted to share things with my sons about their mother... negative things, things that pissed me off beyond belief... but you can't do that. Stay out of that area completely. The truth will be obvious as time goes by. There will be some times when I bet your ex will succeed in confusing your daughter while she is still young... but the truth will always come out.

Spend your precious time with your daughter in as positive a manner as possible always. Never talk about her mother to her in a negative way. She will ALWAYS be her mother... and you will ALWAYS be her father. You can't control her mother, but you CAN control yourself. Kids are way smarter than we think they are most of the time. Always take the high road.

 

[Boston Ram]

I cant even imagine what you are going through. You keep doing what you are doing and good things will happen.

I dont know if its a option and I could be talking out of my butt. I would keep fighting for custody or at least more time. I am in Massachusetts, a friend of mine kept taking his ex back to court and kept a log of every conversation and action as a log. Long story short he ended up getting custody of his 3 girls. It was not easy and but a lot of strain on him mentally, physically and financially but the girls are thriving and are in the right hands now.

Also if you are pursuing a career in IT, my company has sales reps in Texas. At some point we could be looking for someone down there to work as a solutions engineer. You should reach out to me when you graduate and maybe we might have something for you down there. Probably a long shot but worth keeping an ear out for if you are interested.

Good Luck!

 

[bluecoconuts]

Isn't there a way to get more control over your daughter? If you're planning on moving to Dallas, but are going to have a better job, and a better life for her, and if your ex is constantly leaving your daughter with her parents and fighting in front of her (which would indicate an unhealthy household) it seems like there should be something you can do. Not having a child or any experience in this nature, I'm unsure of what steps can be done, all I know that is that the mother is typically disproportionately given more custody even if it shouldn't be that way. However I know people who have full custody over the mother for various reasons, I just don't how the details.

When your daughter gets older, if she likes you more, she's more likely to want to be around you, and could potentially request to move in with you. If you move to Dallas and she can't come with you, it could mean that your relationship with her changes pretty dramatically, and obviously you don't want that.

 

[fearsomefour]

Selassie I with the sage advice.
The high road can be hard to take but it is always worth it. Always.

 

[ozarkram]

The high road yes. But sometimes in the real world its much easier said than done. Each and every situation is different. Sometimes we are forced to take the gloves off.