Tell Us A Joke

[DCH]

Here's my favorite:

A drunk walks into a bar. He sidles up to the bartender and says, "Hey bartender, if I show you something amazing, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender says, "I doubt it, but show me what you've got."

The drunk reaches down and pulls a box out from under his coat. He puts the box on the bar, reaches in, and pulls out a frog and a tiny piano.

When he puts them down on the bar, the frog immediately starts playing the most fantastic ragtime jazz on the piano the bartender has ever heard.

"Holy shit," says the bartender, "that's amazing! Here's your drink!"

He pours a drink, the drunk shoots it and smiles.

"Hey bartender, if I show you something even more amazing, can I have another free drink?"

"Buddy," says the bartender, "if you can top that, you can drink for free all night."

The drunk smiles, reaches into the box, and pulls out a rat. As soon as he places the rat on the bar, it starts singing scat jazz along with the frog's piano playing.

The bartender is gobsmacked, and starts pouring drink after drink for the drunk.

About half an hour later, the frog and the rat are still entertaining the bar, the drunk is passed out on his stool, and a man in a suit walks in. He sees the commotion and walks over excitedly.

"Bartender!" he exclaims. "Whose frog and rat are those?"

The bartender points at the drunk, and the man in the suit starts shaking his shoulder, waking him up.

"Buddy, I'm a talent agent and I want to buy your act. I'll give you a thousand dollars for them."

The drunk shakes his head. "Noffforsale," he slurs.

Thinking quickly, the man says, "Well, what about five hundred bucks just for the scat-singing rat?"

The drunk considers this for a moment.

"Yougochaself a deal mister."

The agent pulls $500 out of his wallet, gives it to the drunk, takes the rat and runs excitedly out of the bar. The bartender, meanwhile, can't believe what he's just seen.

"Are you insane?" he demands. "That was a million-dollar act, and you broke it up for a measly five hundred bucks?"

"Don't worry," says the drunk, waving his hand dismissively. "The frog's a ventriloquist."

 

[RhodyRams]

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a
new hinge, so he sent his wife Jane to Lowe's. At
Lowe's, Jane saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while
she was waiting for Walt the manager to finish waiting
on a customer. When Walt was finished with the customer,
Jane asked 'How much for that faucet?
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Jane exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie
had sent her to buy, and Walt went to find it. From the
back aisle Walt yelled, 'Jane, you wanna screw for that
hinge? She replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

And this is why you can't send a woman to Lowe's.

 

[RhodyRams]

Wife of a local building contractor ask her daughter on
Thanksgiving Day, "What do you want for Christmas?"

Daughter says, "Mommie I want a little brother".

Wife says, "I'm sorry dear but this year we just don't have time".

Daughter says, "Mommie, why don't you do what daddy says when he is short of time, "Put more men on
the job".

 

[RhodyRams]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of
sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of
sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge
of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge
of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a
little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that
there pile."
The foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns,
the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why
didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the
Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but
he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you,
I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman
replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a
shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies,
boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the
pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the
Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
yells... "SUPPLIES!!"

 

[RhodyRams]

Umm not cool Rynie..just my opinion of course

 

[Rynie]

Umm not cool Rynie..just my opinion of course

My bad. I have a dark sense of humor. I won't do that again.