I can help
First what is the title.
From your title you’ll know your theme in it’s more purest and condensed form
Then you work accordingly
Be careful not to play things too melodramatically. I know your title of your thread is “Make Us Cry,” so that leads me to gander that it’s meant to be a sentimental scene. For that you can always find well balanced scenes in film like Terms Of Endearment to keep things from spilling over into saccharinity.
Each child you mention is a different person, so consider how each one would process this information. A child who is 3 will most likely be shielded from the truth as much as possible. While the older ones having just experienced the death of their sibling might be more aware - so that would lead her to possibly consider having the dying mom break it down to them honestly and as men.
Consider that she is dying — i mean death is upon her — and ask yourself what is her primary concern. If she is a woman of Faith she would be aware of herself in relation to God. Even if she has somehow lost faith due to the loss she has recently suffered and now her own demise - which isn’t indicated above as being the cause - her death would be based around an orthodox vision. Furthermore consider that if she is a woman of Faith as you say, she won’t be thinking of herself - she will be thinking of her kids. Those that she leaves behind — i mean she is leaving for eternal life and will bring that spirit to the occasion. I mean just consider more specifically her Faith in this situation.
With that being said, lose the whole Birthday song gag. It’s self-indulgent and will repulse your readers. I mean who does that buy a psychopath? Just think about it a while. It would be cool if she was in deed a little off her rocker, and she would sing to each child Happy Birthday 76 times for ever birthday she’ll miss. I mean that is creepy. But it doesn’t fit what i hear above. She is just some mom who dies for no other reason than to propel other characters forward.
If she’s dying she knows it and will say goodbye to them in her own uplifting way. She will console and comfort not for her sake but that of her child.
You mention the 4th kid who died. She might be reaffirming the other children/siblings that she is going back to see him (the recently departed child).
But mainly she will be giving them instruction. And this should tie back into the theme and how her death effects the lives of those she left behind. Like the kid who goes bananas when his mother dies. I mean why does he go off the rails? What incited that in him to become self-destructive? What has made this kid break and lose his Faith? And that should be contrasted to the sibling who did handle the death in a more industrious way - who despite the grief decided he’d take to heart her advice and move forward in Faith.
So if you know your theme, which you absolutely have to in order to finish any project then you can go Terms of Endearment and nail a well balanced scene that is all about what she wants most of all — to do all she can to leave the world knowing her children will be safe and grow up successfully without her.
Avoid the sentimental for sentimental sake. Again you mention how she isn’t too “churchy” so that means you have created by default a balanced and even-tempered person who is considerate of others. It says she knows how to live in the world while embracing the essential tenets of God’s truth. So she won’t be dogmatic, but neither will she be flippant. She that makes her prudent above all else. Treat the scene like that. Keep it as honest as possible by avoiding the urge to make someone cry. If you play it for what it is, it should evoke something far better than emotional response, but the willingness for the reader to read on.
* pardon typos - stream of conscious post here. And all references to God are for literal purposes only, i.e. this inherent Orthodox world vision
You had some good points, but I like the idea of the Happy birthday scene. This is what I'll be submitting tonight. It is a historical fiction short story with a touch of magical realism. This is the scene, tell me if it works.
“Your move, Mom.” Walter urged.
Ida had closed her eyes for a moment, with her right hand covering her face. She was laying on her back under the covers, with her back against propped up pillows. It was in the morning and the light filtered through the drawn curtains. Walter had brought his domino set at her request, to play a game. She knew he loved the game. Removing her hand from her pale face with tears rolling down, “Walter, can you give me a few minutes? I can’t concentrate.”
“We can play it some other time? Asked her son.
She attempted a smile and said “that would be nice.”
The door opened and Jack was carrying Eugene and Harry ran a few steps excitedly until he saw his mother’s face, “Momma?”
“Come up here my big boy” as she patted the place beside her on the bed. Harry would have jumped on the bed normally, but instead crawled gently by her side. Jack placed three-year old Eugene on her right side. She placed her arm around Eugene and he burrowed in close.
“Momma’s sweet boy” she whispered and then kissed Eugene.
“Have you thought what you want for your birthday, Harry?” she asked.
“No. It’s not my birthday?” the boy asked, and squirmed a little.
Ida looked toward her husband and nodded. “You’re right Gene, it’s not. I just thought we could have a little party right now.”
Jack went to the closet and came out with two packages, wrapped in blue soldier patterned wrapping paper balanced with his one hand. He dropped one and then the other near the boys. Eugene giggled and started ripping the paper excitedly.
“Wait, Gene! We have to sing the birthday song first. Happy birthday to you, Happy…”
Eugene sang with gusto, but Harry, Jack, and Walter who was standing near the wall sang in a perfunctory way. They knew in varying degrees what was happening, but for Eugene, it was his birthday party and that was all.
“Ok, now open your presents,” Ida said with as much cheer as she could muster. Her pale face grew even more ashen. The Gene shredded the paper, revealing a wooden box. Taking the top off, Gene squealed with joy as he pulled a wooden train painted green with rolling red wheels. He held it up high, and then slid to the floor with it, and rolled it across the wood floor.
The boy’s baby sitter Edna opened the door quickly because of the noise. Noticing the unguarded expression of pain by Ida, Edna moved forward and said “c’mon Gene, lets play outside with that train. My, what a handsome one it is!” Edna led Eugene out of the room, looking over her shoulder to see Ida mouthing
“Thank you.”
The door closed and Ida noticed Harry stroking the package pensively.
“Mom, you’ll be here for my real birthday, won’t you?”
Ida looked at her middle son with love and utter weariness. “I want to be Harry, but I can’t promise.”
Harry laid against her chest, sobbing, with the package pushed to the side. He opened the package months later on his actual birthday, but his mother wasn’t there.
