Always a hard day...

[Mackeyser]

I try not to dread today.

June 29th.

It’s the anniversary of the day my daughter died.

But I do. Some years are better than others. I’m distracted this year. Today of all days, I have other things on my plate.

My dad got evicted from his apartment in PA a few months ago. Turns out it was due to bed bugs. From what I can surmise, the infestation was so bad that they had to evict him. Plus, he was a hoarder. /shudder. I tried to watch that show and 5 minutes in I got manic, started hot washing my hands in scalding water and couldn’t stop cleaning for an hour and a half. I’d been telling my wife since October that I needed to get up there and see my dad. I had that “feeling”. Only ever had it a few times in my life and the few times I did, we moved heaven and earth to do what needed to be done. And every time, my “feeling” was right on. But, for the first time, I ignored it and I should have been there.

So I moved him down here with me. Unfortunately, because I didn’t find out until he’d already been evicted, someone else packed him…which meant he brought the bed bugs with him. Which means we figured out how we got them the first time. We know how to deal with it and his room is situated so that we have it contained and are fixing it.

But the bigger issue is this. After living with my dad for three months, it’s clear to all of the family that he needs more than we can give him and more than he could get on his own in an apartment with a visiting nurse. He needs assisted living.

Because of our summer schedule and extended family schedule, the only day to really have this intervention is….today.

Normally, I spend the day being quiet and contemplative. I remember the joy. I remember the blessing that was her life and the blessing that came in the wake of her passing, how I used the lessons I learned from grieving to be a better father and husband and human being. I try not to dwell on the emptiness and all the things that were missed and will never be, high school graduation, first kiss, college, and all the other milestones as well as never getting to know the person she would become, the people she would meet, the family she would create and grow…

She’s always with me. I have her baby bracelet from the hospital around my USB mic on my desk.

So, somehow I have to put all that aside and do what needs to be done today.

This is about being positive. My dad needs better care than I can give. He needs better hygiene, better socialization, better attention to his meds, better attention to his diet as a diabetic, better all of it. I dunno the costs. I know he can get help with the costs through the VA. We already got the letter from the Doc for that.

I’m really trying to do the right thing, to preserve his dignity and humanity. And I know this is better for him.

Maybe, in a way this is my daughter’s legacy. I dunno.

Even for all the right reasons and trying to do the right thing… it’s still a hard day.

 

[Rmfnlt]

Stay strong!

 

[DaveFan'51]

Deepest Sympathies!!

 

[Dodgersrf]

Mackeyser, ypu are a stronger man than I am.
I panick at the thought of anything happening to my children. No parent in the world should feel that pain.
It is a love you will feel for always and it should be remembered with happiness. If at all possible.

It's a wonderful thing your doing for your father.i watched my father struggle with the realization that he and my mother couldn't provide the constant care my grandfather needed. They moved him to an assisted living facility. It was a nice place as far as they go.
As much as you'd like him home with you, it may simply be too dangerous without the care and supervision needed to care for him.
I hope you feel no guilt.

 

[Faceplant]

Wow, so sorry to hear what you are going through. I had to put my father in assisted living 2 years ago and it is the right thing to do if he needs the extra care. We had him with us for 7 years and it was increasingly difficult to deal with his needs. He was 91 when we moved him in and has declined a bit more since. No way we could give him the care he needed, and he knew it. My advise would be to visit as many facilities as you can and try to get a feel for the staff and living quarters. We saw a couple of dumps, but for the most part, the places we visited were very clean and the staff was friendly. We chose the place closest to our house for obvious reasons. He is happy as can be and the staff treat him like family. Tough times my friend, but you are making the right decision and will be glad you did it.

In the meantime, I hope you can find some quiet time to spend with your daughters memory. There are no words that can express how sorry I am for your loss. It is beyond my comprehension. Hang in there brother.

 

[Selassie I]

"Hard Day"

Now that's putting it mildly. I feel for you Mac. Good luck with everything.

 

[Legatron4]

Wow. This is the saddest thing I've ever read. So sorry for your loss brother. My dad always said the one thing in life he refuses to do is be on assisted living. BUT, if I absolutely had to, I would. Good luck with everything man. Stay strong.

 

[Prime Time]

Thanks for trusting us enough to share something this painful. Peace, comfort, and strength to you and your loved ones.

 

[RhodyRams]

Mac,

It's been said before that the members here are more like family than friends. Thank you for sharing this with us. Christine and I were faced with the decision to put her Mom in assisted living also, and it want an easy time for anyone involved.

We will keep you and your family in our prayers

 

[Leuzer]

I'm sorry to hear that, @Mackeyser .
I can't even comprehend what you must be going through.
My sympathies to you and your family.

 

[VegasRam]

I found out recently that even though one may not be able to relate on a personal level, as in having gone through the same thing, it helps to know others are in your corner, and doing what they can to help you through your bad times.

Even if it's just to post a "hang in there", and hope it gets better.

 

[Mackeyser]

I so appreciate all the responses and all the support.

An update: we had the intervention. Rather than focus on what he couldn't do or why he couldn't do it or anything negative, I decided to focus on moving forward and why this was based on love and dignity and humanity and respect. We talked briefly about where he came from and why the change necessitated this rather than, say, an apartment with visiting nurses. Then we talked about why this course of action served him best. I also made sure to make clear that we're not just putting him in a home. I want him to be a part of this process and know that we're not doing it for him or to him, but with him to find the best place for him.

I've had to do harder things. Speaking at my daughter's memorial service probably tops the list. Still, even though it wasn't easy, I hope I showed my kids what it means to function with honor, courage, dignity, love, respect, humility and, I hope, grace.

I hope...

 

[LumberTubs]

Good luck with this process Mack. Seems to me that just from what you've posted in this thread alone that you're achieving your aim of showing your kids how to function with honour, courage etc in what must have been extremely difficult circumstances.

I genuinely don't think if I would be able to be as strong in your position.

 

[fearsomefour]

I so appreciate all the responses and all the support.

An update: we had the intervention. Rather than focus on what he couldn't do or why he couldn't do it or anything negative, I decided to focus on moving forward and why this was based on love and dignity and humanity and respect. We talked briefly about where he came from and why the change necessitated this rather than, say, an apartment with visiting nurses. Then we talked about why this course of action served him best. I also made sure to make clear that we're not just putting him in a home. I want him to be a part of this process and know that we're not doing it for him or to him, but with him to find the best place for him.

I've had to do harder things. Speaking at my daughter's memorial service probably tops the list. Still, even though it wasn't easy, I hope I showed my kids what it means to function with honor, courage, dignity, love, respect, humility and, I hope, grace.

I hope...

Good idea with the intervention approach. I have wondered how to approach this stuff with my father who is 83. He can still take care of himself but he is getting to the point where driving is dangerous.
Such a crappy thing when age robs someone of their independence. That approach (intervention style) is probably a good way to go.
April 14th is the day that sneaks up on me. Not as bad as it used to but it is still there.
You are right about levels of difficulty. I have not always conducted myself with dignity or strength in dark moments. There is an emotional hangover that happens that can last for years. It changed me for sure. I enjoy and value some things more than before but I don't care about a lot of things either. I used to be an optimist, I am not any more. With my family and my one son now I have anxiety, real and sometimes crazy level of worry. It's not debilitating , but, it is there.
Ten years later (time is so strange) it is easier and dare I say better. Time changes things and allows calosses to form.
God bless.

 

[Mackeyser]

Emotional hangover is a good phrase. Very sorry for the loss that caused yours.

Nineteen years for me and there are days where it's pretty raw and others where I feel like I've almost made peace with it.

The intervention was best because it let my dad know this wasn't about any individual or incident, but about his complete well-being going forward and that the whole family is there to support him.

 

[fearsomefour]

Emotional hangover is a good phrase. Very sorry for the loss that caused yours.

Nineteen years for me and there are days where it's pretty raw and others where I feel like I've almost made peace with it.

The intervention was best because it let my dad know this wasn't about any individual or incident, but about his complete well-being going forward and that the whole family is there to support him.

Yeah, that approach where (hopefully) he doesn't feel it is one person attacking him or with some sort of agenda is a good idea. My father is now talking about buying a Harley....um, dad, you keep things in your car....denial is an amazing thing.
I had almost PTSD symptoms after our 16 year old passed. For quite awhile if the phone rang I would almost go into a panic. If my son or wife was off somewhere and I heard sirens my mind would just spin to the worst possible scenario. It was very difficult to let my son play football or drive or anything else because I was just so wound up about bad things happening. To this day, 10 years later, my stomach sinks (I feel sick for a moment) if I get a phone call from a number I don't know....that is sort of crazy but it is the reaction I have.
I am not saying that to downplay people that suffer from PTSD, I just don't know what else to compare it to. It is emotionally exhausting in a way.
I would tell myself to get over it (after several years) because Eddie was not our "born" son. He came into our family as a young kid and we adopted him. Every persons situation is different, their feelings, experiences and reactions are different.
I don't know a lot but I do know this....what you are feeling is yours to feel. You dont have to justify or explain it to anyone else. Sometimes it may make you cry and sometimes it may make you laugh. But it is yours. There are no magic words or no specific easy fix. You have the right to experience it how you do without feeling pressure from anyone else.

 

[RAMSinLA]

Wow, So sorry Mackeyser to read your post...all I can add is to remind you to always remember that no matter what you still have a life to live. Your daughter and your father would want that life to be a great one.

 

[RamFan503]

I so appreciate all the responses and all the support.

An update: we had the intervention. Rather than focus on what he couldn't do or why he couldn't do it or anything negative, I decided to focus on moving forward and why this was based on love and dignity and humanity and respect. We talked briefly about where he came from and why the change necessitated this rather than, say, an apartment with visiting nurses. Then we talked about why this course of action served him best. I also made sure to make clear that we're not just putting him in a home. I want him to be a part of this process and know that we're not doing it for him or to him, but with him to find the best place for him.

I've had to do harder things. Speaking at my daughter's memorial service probably tops the list. Still, even though it wasn't easy, I hope I showed my kids what it means to function with honor, courage, dignity, love, respect, humility and, I hope, grace.

I hope...

Tough deal Mac. Your strength is encouraging and admirable. Just remember to take care of yourself in all this as well. You need to be strong to stay strong.

Much respect,

Stu

 

[Stranger]

If it's not inappropriate, I would really love it if you could post a picture of her.

 

[Mackeyser]

If it's not inappropriate, I would really love it if you could post a picture of her.

Geez, I'll have to see if I can find the album. I know of one pretty good pic. She, for whatever reason didn't like to smile in pictures, but in one picture, she smiled a big, Buddy Hackett like smile. That pic is etched in my brain even with all of my memory loss.

Yeah, that approach where (hopefully) he doesn't feel it is one person attacking him or with some sort of agenda is a good idea. My father is now talking about buying a Harley....um, dad, you keep things in your car....denial is an amazing thing.
I had almost PTSD symptoms after our 16 year old passed. For quite awhile if the phone rang I would almost go into a panic. If my son or wife was off somewhere and I heard sirens my mind would just spin to the worst possible scenario. It was very difficult to let my son play football or drive or anything else because I was just so wound up about bad things happening. To this day, 10 years later, my stomach sinks (I feel sick for a moment) if I get a phone call from a number I don't know....that is sort of crazy but it is the reaction I have.
I am not saying that to downplay people that suffer from PTSD, I just don't know what else to compare it to. It is emotionally exhausting in a way.
I would tell myself to get over it (after several years) because Eddie was not our "born" son. He came into our family as a young kid and we adopted him. Every persons situation is different, their feelings, experiences and reactions are different.
I don't know a lot but I do know this....what you are feeling is yours to feel. You dont have to justify or explain it to anyone else. Sometimes it may make you cry and sometimes it may make you laugh. But it is yours. There are no magic words or no specific easy fix. You have the right to experience it how you do without feeling pressure from anyone else.

It's entirely appropriate to call it PTSD. It's what it is... Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That doesn't just cover war veterans, it covers any trauma and that absolutely covers the loss of a child.

I know after me, my wife and our first child were in a really serious car accident where my son had a skull fracture and suffered complete left hemiparesis or left side paralysis (he was 8 months old at the time) and they were unsure if he would live, I had nightmares for weeks and to this day, 22 years later, I STILL have a difficult time being a passenger in a car and every time I hear a small motor like a chain saw or a gas leaf blower, I remember what that Jaws of Life sounded like... So yeah... PTSD ain't just for war vets.

I've counseled a few parents who've lost children and you're absolutely right that there's no need to justify anything and every loss is different and each person needs to experience their loss as they need to experience it.

Lastly, funny about the Harley. My dad is only 74, but because of diabetes and not great health, he's gained weight and at one point was 340. Because of me talking to him since his last visit, he's gotten down to 290, but he actually asked me to get him a bicycle. I'm willing to work out a lot of stuff for him, but THAT? I actually said outright no to that. There's no way a guy who needs a cane to balance and doesn't hardly have the steam to walk across the house is going to ride a bike without incident. He doesn't believe that he can't do it and all I can think, is "HOLY COW, the river of DENIAL is wide at this spot!"