That's fair enough, how about just a TL;DR summary for curious minds?
Or the super long version.
I went to this bar I used to frequent one night (The Banana Boat), alone, just to see what was happening and to tie one on. I was freshly divorced and kinda lonely, but I wasn't really there to pick anyone up. However, shortly after I got there, a woman came in with a friend and she was stunning. I know she was stunning because I wasn't drunk yet and she was a knock-out. After 2:00 a.m., they all look great. But this was like 9:30. I was a regular there, and she had never come in before.
The place had an island bar and she sat at the other side, directly across from me. I would look at her from time to time and kinda look away when she caught me peekin' inbetween dudes coming up to her offering to buy her a drink and asking her if she came there often. Or some stupid shit like that. I'm not really very forward with women until I've had about 6 or 7 drinks in me, so I just sat there and watched her shoot them all down. Which made me feel like I wasn't even gonna try. I mean, who needs to be rejected after being divorced? To my surprise, she caught me looking once because she was already staring at me before I turned to look at her again. So now we're staring at each other and I had no choice but to kinda wave, and she waved back. So, what the fuck. I got up, walked over, and sat down beside her (turns out the bartender [female] who was a good friend of mine was talking me up to her). I said hi, she said hi, and I asked her when she was gonna buy me a drink, because someone as pretty as me shouldn't have to pay. Ice-breaker. I didn't come on to her, and instead used a little humor to see if it would land. If it didn't, I'd just get up and leave. But it did. She bought me a Vodka/cranberry, and we started talking. For a couple of hours. And for a couple of hours I had about 10 drinks.
Turned out we were born in the same State, grew up in the same city, and even knew some of the same people. She had a great sense of humor, and really appreciated mine. I made her laugh at least 50 times, and every time I did, I got the hand on the shoulder or the tell-tale hair-flip. So after about 3 and a half hours together, I guess, her friend took off and we ended up outside by my car and started 'making out' - or whatever the kids call it now. lol. I remember saying, "I'd really love to see you again. How about tomorrow night I buy you dinner?" And she said, "You mean the night is over? I wanna see your puppy." I should mention I had an Australian Shepherd puppy at the time and told her about him. So, yeah. Around the block to my apartment we go.
So we're inside, she's digging my dog, and I'm pouring a couple of drinks. After spending a little time on the couch, picking up where we left off at my car, I stand up and grab her hand and say something magnificent. Had to be, because now we're heading to my room. On the way, the walls are making parallelogram movements and I know I'm way way way past my personal limit. I guess I was a little nervous after we got there, because I was pouring her regular drinks and mine were triples. A couple of those, added on to what I had at the bar, and it had to be in excess of 20 shots. I mean I was useless. At any rate, we got there and now I'm horizontal on my back. Not good. Spin city. So I managed to get on my side with her on her back, and that was a little better because I could get her out of her clothes and focus on a task to avoid thinking about the spinning. Man what a body. I mean crazy tight. And I remember she wore Warm vanilla sugar body spray from Victoria Secret too. I'll never forget that scent. So anyway. Now we're both stripped down and we do the mutual pleasure thing for a while, but that's making me spin again because I'm on my back again. So I pick her up off of me and lay her down so I can climb aboard. It's the only position I thought I could manage and still keep my balance. Push-up position if you will. So I get going, and we're groovin' fairly slowly. Nice and smooth. And then I relax my arms and kinda lay down on her.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I wake up to "OH MY GOD, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW???????"
Huh? What? (remembering what I was doing 15 seconds ago) No. NO. NONONONONONO!
She berated me while getting out of bed, berated me while getting dressed, berated the dog, berated my name, my performance, my existence, and damned my soul. So what do I do? Well, I puke. That was awesome. Right on the side of the bed. Well, that's nice. Now I suck on multiple levels and made the worst possible situation an epic embarrassment as well.
Never got her number either. Which is odd. Because i was pretty smooth for 4:58 of our 5 hour date.
