Starting a trilogy (WARNING: Not Safe for Minors.)

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Memento

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Basically, I'm a writer at heart. I can't stop writing for the life of me. But this...this is different. I'm not writing for me at all. The rights to this trilogy are going to my irl best friend and her family. I figure that she needs it more than I do. She's married, and I want to repay her for everything she's done for me - at least, repay her as much as I can.

As for what this trilogy is...it's a deconstruction of two different concepts. I should probably explain what it is to those who don't know. A deconstruction what would happen if you applied the laws of real life to a fictional environment. Say you see an episode of Tom and Jerry, and Jerry hits Tom on the head with a hammer. Tom is hospitalized, and Jerry goes to prison for assault. That's a deconstruction in a nutshell, although there are many examples in fictions (such as Game of Thrones).

The first book is a deconstruction of the teenaged superhero genre. In a ton of scenarios, you either have the Teen Titans, where everyone knows their identity, and they don't go to school and fight crime instead. Or you have people like Static who goes to school, and nobody questions his absence when he disappears all the time to fight crime. In the first case, the DoE would be all over the TT's asses. The second? It would only be a matter of time before the police and SWAT teams came to Static's door, looking for the "vigilante."

The next two are deconstructions of the "elite squad of soldiers" genre (i.e., the A-Team and the Expendables). In this, if said squad going up against a larger force, and they aren't prepared for it, people are going to die. If they're going up against an army, then they're going to die no matter what they do.

I'm going to be updating this thread with an excerpt after this post: the first chapter. I'm also going to give a warning: there are very mature themes that are not safe for anyone under the age of twenty, including unspeakable crimes that would put anyone in a death row cell.

IF YOU ARE NINETEEN OR YOUNGER, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. IF YOU DO, I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR SCARRING YOU FOR LIFE.
 
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Prime Time

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Good for you. Creativity is a necessary part of our humanity. We were created to express ourselves. When my son moved out and got married, I gave him all my recording and musical equipment as a wedding present. Since then I haven't done much as far as writing and creating music.

Over the last months I bought all new recording equipment, guitar, bass, etc., to get back into the creative swing. My plan is to spend hours each day writing new songs and recording them. It's a lot of work but well worth it.

r0baq9.jpg
 

Dieter the Brock

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Cool
How does each volume of the trilogy relate to the other outside of superhero or fantastical deconstructs ?
Is it the character Static?
Does he or she tie it all together?
How'd you come up with that name - Static?
interested cause the definition can take in many meanings, like meaning non-action, at rest - or on the other hand the meaning can be 'hissing' noise.
How does that name relate to your theme outside of fulfilling the needs of a specific genre?
 

Dieter the Brock

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Further curious about the name cause you mentioned the deconstruct - so a name like "Static" if it's a birth name has inherent consequences in and of itself (regarding the deconstruction of the genre) especially in a "real life" environment, meaning that if your hero grew up with a fanatical name like Static he's gonna be an outcast from the jump and what parent would realistically do that to their kid? In a fantasy environment it would be an easy suspension of disbelief to imagine a kid named Static. Just curious cause that affects the theme and genre.
So just wondering cause there might be an issue with being named Static in the real world -- makes it feel fantastical
///
Now if it's a nickname then that intrigues me as to how the hero not only got his name in a real world setting but how that name Static relates to their specific condition - like they got the name from somebody and clearly it was for doing nothing at all -- or for being at rest -- or for hissing a lot, etc...
 
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CodeMonkey

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That's cool. I like to read a lot too, especially novels, and have often threatened in my mind to put pen to paper but never have actually. So good for you for actually doing it!! Though for you writing sounds like something of an unstopable compulstion. I wish you much success. There really isn't a cooler profession I can think of than that of successful artist or writer.
 

RhodyRams

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Looking forward to reading it.
 

Memento

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Valarie Parker had never wanted to be a superhero.

Straight-A students without so much as a detention on their record weren't supposed to be hated vigilantes wanted dead or alive by the police force. Fifteen-year-old high school freshmen weren't supposed to beat the ever-loving crap out of supernatural demons and hardened criminals with guns and knives. Wannabe chemistry majors didn't sneak out at night to play the roles of reluctant hero and destructive villain to the populace.

However, that was exactly what she was doing now, and things could never go back to the way they were.

She knew exactly when things had gone wrong for her. It was all because of that goddamned penknife. That ancient penknife that she had gotten for five dollars at a random middle school auction had altered her, changed her permanently. Not physically. She wished it was just physically.

Valarie Parker (not related to Peter, but nice try) had been about as normal as one could expect for her upbringing. Her dad had walked out of her life when she was seven. She had never been popular. She never wanted friends. She could have had them if she wanted; her mother was a famous actress worth millions. But Valarie and her mom both knew that she had never wanted that burden on her shoulders.

So she had gone into school under a different last name, not telling anyone who her mom was. It was easy to say that they weren't related. They looked completely different. Emily Parker was gorgeous with long curly blonde hair cascading past her shoulders, barely falling away from her sparkling blue eyes. Valarie had short, mousy brown hair and unremarkable green eyes. Emily Parker was five inches shorter and much thinner than her 5'6" daughter. So it was simple to pretend that she was nobody special. No after-school clubs, no sports teams, no band or choir. She lied about where her house was to the bus driver so that she could walk the whole five miles back to the expensive house in the north side of National City.

She even worked at a place where no other kid would dare to go, just so that nobody would recognize her there. Looking back, however...if she had known what would happen at the lone maximum security prison that she volunteered her time at, she would have stayed as far away from the place as possible.

It was a cold weekend night in the early part of spring, just after March. She was folding towels that had come out of the dryer in the laundry room. She had to jump through a lot of hoops just to get that job, but it paid, and so long as she spent all of her time in the laundry room and kept that damned penknife on her, she would have been fine. That was not the case for that night - at least, not for the former.

Corrections officer Richie Kane strolled into the room. Valarie didn't like Kane much, as she knew that he felt the same way about her. She knew from her short time here that he only tolerated white straight males and hated teens with a passion. However, she wasn't scared of him; she knew that he wasn't allowed to hurt her, especially not when the other guards were in the facility. That smile, though...she remembered that very clearly, and it scared her more than anything else - because Kane never smiled around her.

"Hey, kid," he said coolly. He would have been handsome to most with wavy sandy-brown hair, a tall, muscular frame, and a boyish face. Still, there were his eyes. Those blue eyes would have been just as gorgeous as her mother's if they had any sort of warmth in them. "How are things going in here? You almost done?"

Valarie sighed. "Almost done, and then my shift is over," she said. "It's almost midnight, and there were so many..."

"Eh, one of the inmates got a shiv. He tried to off some gangbanger and succeeded." Kane laughed. "One less criminal in the world, right?"

Valarie looked down at her feet. He smiled again. "Hey, not saying that you're a criminal. You seem like a decent girl. Quiet. Does her job. Doesn't stray outside of who she is."

"Is there anyone else here?" she asked, hoping that someone would interrupt this awkward conversation.

"Just you, me, and the guards," Kane said dismissively. "Plus the inmates, but nobody gives two shits about them." A look sprung into his eyes, and she didn't know what to make of it. "Say, I can show you something pretty cool in this place! One of the few cool things here. You want to see it?"

"I'm sorry, but I have to do this job and-"

"Hey, don't worry about it. It can get finished tomorrow. No need to be shy. I insist."

She knew that he wouldn't take "no" for an answer. "Sure," she said reluctantly.

"All right!" Kane clapped his hands once and led her out of the laundry room, past the reception desk...and into the correctional facility.

"Wait, I shouldn't even be-"

"Aw, what's life without a little risk, huh? Most of them are asleep. And they're all in their cells. And they're not going to hurt you with me here. I promise."

She tried to pull away from Kane, but he held her wrist in a tight grip, and he covered her mouth when she tried to scream for a few guards who were dealing with a situation up top.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, I haven't even shown you the best part!" he said with a laugh and led Valarie all the way down the hallway, as she struggled to get away from him. Terror was crawling down her throat, climbing down her spine, and her heart was beating like a hammer against an anvil. She was unable to make a sound out of fear.

This isn't happening, this isn't happening...

Kane opened the door at the end of the hallway with his keys in one hand and pulled her through three more cell blocks filled with shouting inmates before finally stopping at a door that had a sign saying, "This room MUST be locked at ALL times." A guard noticed the two of them and yelled at Kane to stop before he opened the door, walked in with Valarie, and slammed the door shut.

He's gonna lock me in solitary, oh fuck, oh God, oh fucking God...

But it wasn't solitary. It was worse.

Ten cells were lined up in the room, five to one side and five to the other. All of them were occupied. All of the inmates were awake and leering at her.

"Welcome to death row, baby!" Kane crowed, locking the door behind them while ignoring the guard's shouting. "Home to the ten biggest scum to ever walk the earth!"

He grabbed her shoulders and turned her to face a thin black man with dreadlocks in the first cell on the left.

"Javarius Simpson! A serial strangler and killer of thirteen women, Simpson has been incarcerated for ten years in a lifetime sentence."

Valarie stood in stunned silence, tears leaking down her face. That bastard was reading off their list of crimes, one at a time, as if it was a fucking biography. He yanked her over to the first cell on the right, housing a twenty-year-old white man with stringy blond hair. She realized that she had seen him on the news.

"Ben Haynesworth! School shooter, killed at least twenty-two kids at his local high school. He's the newest resident at two years of a life sentence."

Kane pulled her over to the second cell on the right. A large white man with balding gray hair grinned at her, revealing stained yellow teeth.

Brent Naposki! Triple-homicide and a known cannibal, he's served nine years of a life sentence."

He brought Valarie over to the second cell on the left, housing a bald black man with multiple facial tattoos. The man stared at Valarie with an almost-longing smile.

"Terrell Sharper! Double-homicide and necrophilia, he's served twelve years of a lifetime sentence."

Valarie was trembling by the time Kane swung her over to the third cell on the left. Another black man - they must have been separating them by race - with a scarred face said, "Hey, girl, lemme have some fun wit' you, aight?"

"Leonard Hornsby! I bet you've heard of him; he bombed the park down by Hawkins Boulevard and Stone Street. Killed at least a dozen people. He's served three years of a life sentence."

Kane pulled the terrified teenager over to the third cell on the right. The occupant was a gray-haired white man with thick glasses. He gave her a small smirk.

"Scott Carter! Formerly a doctor for National City Medical, he was convicted of murdering a whopping sixty-three elderly ladies by poison and wiring their savings to his offshore bank account. Sent at least ten husbands to prison before he was caught and sentenced to life thirteen years ago."

Valarie was taken away to the inmate over by the fourth cell on the right: a white man with curly red hair. His fanatical green eyes seemed to look into her mind, and she immediately knew who he was before Kane even said his name.

"Todd Cobb! He's our biggest killer in this place, convincing over eight-hundred people to commit suicide in his cult. He's served fourteen years of a lifetime sentence."

Kane put her next to the fourth cell on the left, face to face with an old short black man with a crazed grin. She realized that she knew him as well.

"Lawrence Payne! Convicted of the arson of the Ravenstar movie theater, he burned it down, along with forty-five moviegoers. He's served the longest of the inmates here at sixteen years in a lifetime sentence."

He placed her over by the last cell on the left. A black man without an index finger on his right hand glared at her hatefully from behind the bars.

"Adrian Rozier! Convicted on multiple counts of animal cruelty, as well as the rape and murder of his girlfriend after she bit part of his pointer finger off. He's serving eight years of a life sentence."

Kane grabbed Valarie's wrists and dragged her over to the last cell on the right. A bald white man with cut marks all over his face and head licked his lips when he noticed her breasts, muttering, "I want," repeatedly.

"Taylor MacDonald! A serial rapist and murderer with over seventy victims to his name, he's served fifteen years of a life sentence."

Kane let Valarie go and stood in front of the locked door, while she listened to the death row inmates howling slurs at her and the officers banging on the door and screaming at Kane. She was too scared to even cry. She looked up at the corrupt officer.

"Let me go, please, I'm begging you!" she pleaded.

"You really think I'm going to do that?" Kane said coldly. "Nah, I wanted to teach you a lesson. You bratty ***** shouldn't be taking jobs from honest male citizens. You don't belong here. If you promise that you'll never come back, I might let you out after three hours."

Multiple guards were now desperately to unlock the facility, and as they shouted commands for Kane to open the door, Valarie pulled out her penknife. "Let me go, you fucking bastard! I'll do what you say, but you let me out of here right now!"

"Oh, so you're threatening an officer with a weapon?" Kane said with a laugh. He pulled out his service pistol and pointed it at her head. "Look, kid, the video cameras are off. I turned them off myself, see?" He waved his left hand at the cameras, which had no red light. "The door's fucking locked from the inside! There's absolutely nobody who can help you, and nobody's going to believe a lying bitch who wanted to see the inmates over a cop like me."

"You mean a dirty pig like yourself?" Valarie spat. "It's over, Kane. Everyone will know what you've done."

"SHUT YOUR ***** MOUTH!" he roared. "I CAN DO WHATEVER I DAMN WELL PLE-"

Before he could get out the rest of the sentence, a portal opened up in the middle of the room, and everything went to hell and back.
 
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Memento

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Cool
How does each volume of the trilogy relate to the other outside of superhero or fantastical deconstructs ?
Is it the character Static?
Does he or she tie it all together?
How'd you come up with that name - Static?
interested cause the definition can take in many meanings, like meaning non-action, at rest - or on the other hand the meaning can be 'hissing' noise.
How does that name relate to your theme outside of fulfilling the needs of a specific genre?
Further curious about the name cause you mentioned the deconstruct - so a name like "Static" if it's a birth name has inherent consequences in and of itself (regarding the deconstruction of the genre) especially in a "real life" environment, meaning that if your hero grew up with a fanatical name like Static he's gonna be an outcast from the jump and what parent would realistically do that to their kid? In a fantasy environment it would be an easy suspension of disbelief to imagine a kid named Static. Just curious cause that affects the theme and genre.
So just wondering cause there might be an issue with being named Static in the real world -- makes it feel fantastical
///
Now if it's a nickname then that intrigues me as to how the hero not only got his name in a real world setting but how that name Static relates to their specific condition - like they got the name from somebody and clearly it was for doing nothing at all -- or for being at rest -- or for hissing a lot, etc...

I have to explain. Her name isn't Static. Like you said, no parent would ever do that to their child. Static is actually a character in an actual comic book. He's a teen with electrical powers, and that's his hero name. I'm sorry for the confusion. Basically, he goes to school and immediately leaves when there's a crime that's happening. I was saying that it wouldn't fly in my story, that the cops and SWAT and the FBI would be all over him.

That's cool. I like to read a lot too, especially novels, and have often threatened in my mind to put pen to paper but never have actually. So good for you for actually doing it!! Though for you writing sounds like something of an unstopable compulstion. I wish you much success. There really isn't a cooler profession I can think of than that of successful artist or writer.

Yeah, it kind of is a compulsion for me. It gives me something to do when there's no sports to see and no friends to talk with. And this isn't going on paper; this is purely Kindle. I decided to do that to save rainforests from getting cut down for paper that often goes to book copies. I'll sell them for ninety-nine cents per book, which is a very reasonable price for a long trilogy. It'll go some of the way to helping my friend, so...yeah. All I want is to have a career in the writing field. That would be enough for me.

Looking forward to reading it.

Well...there is an excerpt just above this post. :D

Good for you. Creativity is a necessary part of our humanity. We were created to express ourselves. When my son moved out and got married, I gave him all my recording and musical equipment as a wedding present. Since then I haven't done much as far as writing and creating music.

Over the last months I bought all new recording equipment, guitar, bass, etc., to get back into the creative swing. My plan is to spend hours each day writing new songs and recording them. It's a lot of work but well worth it.

r0baq9.jpg

That's seriously sweet, man. Love it when creativity abounds for all. And for those people who think, "I can't do something like this," you can. All you need is the motivation to try and the desire to express the creative side of yourself.
 

Prime Time

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Peter
Everyone is given some type of skill, gift, or talent. A few years ago I totally stopped playing and writing music and even listened to music infrequently because life got really busy. One day I realized that I had lost the desire to write and record songs. Scared the heck out of me so I resolved to work on that at least for a couple of hours each day. All better now. You don't forget how to ride a bike but you may lose the desire to do so.
 

Dieter the Brock

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cool things - the prisoners on death row, they all sound really fun and over the top rad - i think that is really strong. It totally has that Goodfellas introduction scene meets Con Air.
The dread lock guy who killed people - the cannibal - the necrophiliac - that stuff is totally cool in a comic book form
I really like the Con Air idea, but instead of Memphis Rains, it's an innocent girl is in there with these horrible people - but it would be cooler to see her in that space of the prison (cause you put her there) but not cause she needs money - which is strange cause she would never qualify for that position, especially at that age, and you haven't told us specifically in any believable way, why she does -- so maybe it is way better if she is actively volunteering but not to fold towels or laundry but instead to read these horrible people stories, or to help them learn how to sew - or some kind of equally insane attempt at rehabilitation.
I love that idea of her in there for a purpose, and that being amongst these monsters is something more than a horribly twist of circumstance (needing a job and getting one at the prison) - i mean death row would require years of experience and clearance - no way she's getting that.
But volunteering through some church or society surely would be a plausable and more interesting and Willfull way for her to partake in the story.
Just saying a bit too much victimization here to be a superhero. Not seeing her redeeming quality yet outside of being fortuitous enough to happen to purchase an ancient pen knife - this purchase is so important that it's set up needs more than a paragraph - like peter parker from Spiderman getting stung by the spider, we need to see the source of the magical powers. This is super important for the reader to know - how did she get her powers.
So again I would love to hear more, I would love for you to build the scenes with subtlety and a bit more patience.
I mean the Kane character is totally cliche and doesn't help matters, it would be more interesting if you flipped the cliche's on their head just the same way you are working to flip the genre on it's head with the deconstruction aspects your talking about earlier.
I mean i really like -- what is truly strong -- is the idea of this innocent girl in with all these crazy fucking people of her own will and volition to get something that she needs - that is fun and exciting.
Everything that comes before her being introduced to the death row inmates seem like a summarization of scenes and not actually scenes for us to get behind your character, for us to have emphathy. The empathy isn't brought about through the storytelling and natural course of action but instead you are just listing facts for the backstory without revealing them through the course of the narrative. I mean there is so much you let us in on the beginning.
For example -- the mother has millions but Valarie doesn't care -- i mean that is brushed over in less than a sentence. Man would i love to see how she interacted with her mom. That's a fucking novel right there. I'd love to sink my teeth into something real. Some real life drama in which this supernatural element lives. That isn't happening right now.
In a way it seems you are rushing --- like you have the entire trilogy on the tip of your fingers but don't want to give it the necessary space to live as a story. I mean some of your paragraphs up front have like 10 killer aspects you haven't even fully explored - it would be great if you did
You fully have the skill to dig deeper and articulate smaller moments that may have more of an impact than the melodramatic ones (like girl being forced into death row for no reason)
Anyway this is a cool idea - i live for this stuff and completely appreciate you giving us the opportunity to read and comment - I feel like I'm back in college!!!

pardon typos
 

Memento

Your (Somewhat) Friendly Neighborhood Authoress.
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  • #11
cool things - the prisoners on death row, they all sound really fun and over the top rad - i think that is really strong. It totally has that Goodfellas introduction scene meets Con Air.
The dread lock guy who killed people - the cannibal - the necrophiliac - that stuff is totally cool in a comic book form
I really like the Con Air idea, but instead of Memphis Rains, it's an innocent girl is in there with these horrible people - but it would be cooler to see her in that space of the prison (cause you put her there) but not cause she needs money - which is strange cause she would never qualify for that position, especially at that age, and you haven't told us specifically in any believable way, why she does -- so maybe it is way better if she is actively volunteering but not to fold towels or laundry but instead to read these horrible people stories, or to help them learn how to sew - or some kind of equally insane attempt at rehabilitation.
I love that idea of her in there for a purpose, and that being amongst these monsters is something more than a horribly twist of circumstance (needing a job and getting one at the prison) - i mean death row would require years of experience and clearance - no way she's getting that.
But volunteering through some church or society surely would be a plausable and more interesting and Willfull way for her to partake in the story.
Just saying a bit too much victimization here to be a superhero. Not seeing her redeeming quality yet outside of being fortuitous enough to happen to purchase an ancient pen knife - this purchase is so important that it's set up needs more than a paragraph - like peter parker from Spiderman getting stung by the spider, we need to see the source of the magical powers. This is super important for the reader to know - how did she get her powers.
So again I would love to hear more, I would love for you to build the scenes with subtlety and a bit more patience.
I mean the Kane character is totally cliche and doesn't help matters, it would be more interesting if you flipped the cliche's on their head just the same way you are working to flip the genre on it's head with the deconstruction aspects your talking about earlier.
I mean i really like -- what is truly strong -- is the idea of this innocent girl in with all these crazy freaking people of her own will and volition to get something that she needs - that is fun and exciting.
Everything that comes before her being introduced to the death row inmates seem like a summarization of scenes and not actually scenes for us to get behind your character, for us to have emphathy. The empathy isn't brought about through the storytelling and natural course of action but instead you are just listing facts for the backstory without revealing them through the course of the narrative. I mean there is so much you let us in on the beginning.
For example -- the mother has millions but Valarie doesn't care -- i mean that is brushed over in less than a sentence. Man would i love to see how she interacted with her mom. That's a freaking novel right there. I'd love to sink my teeth into something real. Some real life drama in which this supernatural element lives. That isn't happening right now.
In a way it seems you are rushing --- like you have the entire trilogy on the tip of your fingers but don't want to give it the necessary space to live as a story. I mean some of your paragraphs up front have like 10 killer aspects you haven't even fully explored - it would be great if you did
You fully have the skill to dig deeper and articulate smaller moments that may have more of an impact than the melodramatic ones (like girl being forced into death row for no reason)
Anyway this is a cool idea - i live for this stuff and completely appreciate you giving us the opportunity to read and comment - I feel like I'm back in college!!!

pardon typos

She never volunteered for death row. She's strictly a laundry lady, and she's not even allowed into the regular cell blocks, much less death row; that was one of the conditions of her job. But it makes sense, what you're saying about volunteering through a church. I just don't want to make Valarie too goody-two-shoes, you know? She's like many teens; she doesn't really think beyond herself and what she can achieve (hence why she never wanted the pressure of being her mom's daughter, although she will not hesitate to use the money for college or her mom's influence to get her an actual job at fifteen). She's never going to help rehabilitate criminals, even though she doesn't believe in killing them.

As for victimization...she's not a hero. She never wanted to be a hero and doesn't consider herself one in the slightest. She may have Spiderman's last name, but she is not Spiderman in the slightest. Peter Parker wouldn't have begged for his kidnapper to let him out of somewhere; we're talking about a guy who is shy but did work hard, was intelligent, and did stand up for himself. Valarie's intelligent (I mean, she's a straight-A student who wants to be a chemist), and she works hard...but she's not about to stand up for herself when she doesn't even want to get to know other people; the only reason she stood up to Kane at the end was because she had been pushed too far, like anyone else would in that situation.

And she's not nearly strong enough to take on someone like Kane, who is older, bigger, stronger, and faster than she is at the moment. I mean, if you were a fifteen-year-old girl, what would you do when you're faced with someone who's physically superior to you in every way - and especially when that someone has a gun and hates you enough to bring you into a death row cell block?

As for how she gets her powers...that's the second chapter. Like you said, no need to rush through it. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You're absolutely right on that I could have explained how she interacted with her mom and with a lot of the other details. But the powers - and the immense drawbacks that come with them - have to be explained in a chapter all to itself.

But basically, she's not a hero, and that's part of the deconstruction process of this genre. If most people got powers as a teenager, how would they handle it? Not well at all; they'd likely . How would they handle it if they didn't want to be anyone special, if they wanted to be normal? They'd probably handle it even worse.

But I'm definitely, definitely going to edit this further to try to draw out the humanity in Valarie.
 

CodeMonkey

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Wow that is intense. Reminded me of a Dean Koontz sort of style style as I was reading. That's a definite compliment! Good suspense and horror. I like the intro and as a reader am immediately into the character. A bit of dark sarcastic comedy works great with the hero/heroin to cleanse the palate with a laugh and take a breath between the intensity...like spidey does. Maybe work a stupid joke in there or so? ... Or not. Not much time in the short intro but maybe a bit more personality is all. It's good, I'm just thinking out loud trying to be constructive. The portal opening I like. Again, great setup right off the bat I'm interested. Give me more!
 

Memento

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  • #14
Wow that is intense. Reminded me of a Dean Koontz sort of style style as I was reading. That's a definite compliment! Good suspense and horror. I like the intro and as a reader am immediately into the character. A bit of dark sarcastic comedy works great with the hero/heroin to cleanse the palate with a laugh and take a breath between the intensity...like spidey does. Maybe work a stupid joke in there or so? ... Or not. Not much time in the short intro but maybe a bit more personality is all. It's good, I'm just thinking out loud trying to be constructive. The portal opening I like. Again, great setup right off the bat I'm interested. Give me more!

Oh, God, Koontz is the last guy I wanted to be compared with. I read one of his books in a psychiatric ward I stayed at, and all that the first chapter talked about was how liberals, the poor, and punks were ruining everything for honest business owners before a poor guy kills everyone at the gas station except for one cop, like Koontz was just trying to hammer it home. I mean, I don't mind characters who believe that way; that's what makes a story, and a good mix of characters and beliefs can help a story. I don't even mind how it turned out. But for the author to use the characters as his own voice for his own biases and use it for every single character?

Anyway, I am planning on a lot of humor. Not stupid jokes, but there's a character who...isn't really familiar with the world as it currently is and how it works. That's all I'm going to say! You know, spoilers. But a lot of ways to play with that. And a lot of ways to play with Valarie using her powers for the first time.

And yes, I definitely have to give Valarie more of her own voice. Show, not tell, right? And yes, Kane seems cliche now. He's going to show a lot more depth before this is all over.
 

CodeMonkey

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Ha ha. Well I certainly didn't mean to offend. Koontz is one of my favorites and yea I really can't elimate artists with whom I politically disagree. If you eliminated all the flakes, fruits, and nuts there'd be few artists left. It's the intensity and suspense that I found in common. Koontz' Odd Thomas character is a very fun read...at least imo.
 

Memento

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  • #16
Ha ha. Well I certainly didn't mean to offend. Koontz is one of my favorites and yea I really can't elimate artists with whom I politically disagree. If you eliminated all the flakes, fruits, and nuts there'd be few artists left. It's the intensity and suspense that I found in common. Koontz' Odd Thomas character is a very fun read...at least imo.

If you eliminated all of the nutjobs in the artistic world, there wouldn't be any good ones left. ;) But I have heard of Odd Thomas, but I've never read it before. Maybe I should.
 

CodeMonkey

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The Odd character has a cool way of going back and forth between making you laugh and scaring the shit out of you. The first book is the best one and it seems there's like ten sequels now so it has pretty much jumped the shark. The point is character development is what keeps the story compelling. And, comedy can be a great partner to suspense/horror. Maybe Val isn't funny, not saying she should be. I should just shut up now and just let you tell the story.
 

Memento

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  • #18
The Odd character has a cool way of going back and forth between making you laugh and scaring the crap out of you. The first book is the best one and it seems there's like ten sequels now so it has pretty much jumped the shark. The point is character development is what keeps the story compelling. And, comedy can be a great partner to suspense/horror. Maybe Val isn't funny, not saying she should be. I should just shut up now and just let you tell the story.

Oh, she's funny...in the way that a teenager is funny sometimes. Just an example...her humor is reminiscent of Hancock. She stops the bad guys...but she ends up destroying a lot of property in the process. And when the police call her out on it and demand her arrest, she complains so much that it makes Hancock seem like Superman (alias, Mr. I'm-perfect-I-can-do-no-wrong-and-I-always-do-the-right-thing.)
 

Memento

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  • #20
Before I read this I need to know something.

Is there lots of graphic sex?

Um...there is rape in this story. Not shown (because I would never show that shit), but definitely implied. Like I said, this is not safe for minors.

Not in this first chapter, though. But there are allusions to very morally-wrong sexual actions.

There isn't much sex in this because the romantic aspects that I wanted to focus on don't have anything to do with sex.